swedish men

10 Things to Know About Swedes

Do you have Swedish friends and wonder their behavior is strange or just Swedish? What makes Swedes different from the other Europeans? And if you are visiting or just moved to Sweden, what should you know about them?

Swedish men are shy. It will take some time to speak to one, especially if you don’t know him. Swedish guys that you know, through the office or elsewhere, are easier to deal with. It’s said that even Swedish girls can be shy too.
Like water is to plants; alcohol is the same to Swedes. If you meet a guy at a party, give him an extra beer, it’s sure to liberate his speaking ability. For that matter, give a girl an extra beer too.
Swedes are passive, both the men and women. Many can even be passive aggressive because they do not like to vocalize issues. They prefer to avoid conflict at all costs.
They can be direct. Going completely against #3, Swedes are ironically direct people. However, their directness can be subtle and hard to read. For example, if your manager says to ‘get a little more work done,’ what they mean is ‘you’re in the dump right and really need to kick ass at work.’ You could say that in some ways this quiet directness is similar to being passive aggressive. It takes time to read them.
Social systems are closed. In many European societies, making friends is difficult, almost painful at times. Becoming friends with Swedes and joining their social circles is arduous. Most Swedes hang out with friends from gymnasium (high school) or college and have a tight, small social network. Hanging out with coworker Swedes, is rare. However it is possible to make lots of friends as a newcomer.
Here are a few options to making new friends:
- Join a company which is international and has many foreign employees;
- Join a small but new company that is also part Swedish and part foreign employed;
- Attend clubs or general expat events. This option is dangerous because you could end up with lots of other foreign friends and forget about the Swedes. But, there are always a few Swedes at these mixers, find those folks and chat them up.
- Find activities that you used to do in your home country and do them in Sweden too! Yoga classes, ballroom dancing, knitting, gym, sailing, belly dancing, and much more. Don’t mope at home hoping for friends to magically appear or be depressed by TheLocal forum group; get yourself out there and you will start to meet new people.
- Seek out some good Swedish online communities to learn more about Sweden and make virtual friends that can hopefully transcend into reality.
Swedes do not like to be late. I love to be late, it is my motto; I just am unable to get myself to parties exactly on time. Dinner plans or coffee dates, I will be there, otherwise, forget it. Still, in Sweden, you do not go anywhere late. Their motto is to be punctual, so stick to it.
Swedes are stylish. They are not the drop dead fashionistas of Paris or Rome, but the Swedes have their own ultra modern, sleek style. Swedish households say it all, gorgeous and beautifully decorated. Be prepared, being stylish in Sweden is expensive. There’s a reason why Nordiska Galleriet (not NK) charges 10.000SEK (approx $1,300) on a wrought-iron chair. However, I have to say, their clothing fashion reeks of the 80s too much.
In Sweden, people have no desire to give better service. We all know it: Swedes suck at customer service. Restaurants, shops, airline counters, you name it and they will give you no service. It is not case of bad service, you just get no service. I understand now that for many Swedes, they consider too much customer service as intrusive. And Swedes can be annoyed when asked “Can I help you find something?,” “Do you want another drink?”, while Americans expect that kind of questioning from service professionals. But sometimes I wonder, can’t people just smile more? Is it that hard to communicate with others. There’s a lot of discussions that Swedes do things on their own, but mammal societies are socially based. Why would we want to move backwards and become more unsocial?
Silence is golden. It is okay to not speak every second of every moment. Porbjorn and I sometimes sit at the breakfast table silent for 10-15 minutes before either one of us speaks. If your Swedes seems unusually quiet, they are not mad or annoyed at you, they just enjoy a bit of peace and quiet.
Swedes love nature. Sweden is a beautiful country and they take great pride in taking care of the natural landscape. If you have a day off, you will walk around the city or go hiking, but never stay indoors. Most Swedes seem to have Swedish summer houses, a place to relax and get away from bustling life. I admire that they take nature seriously and it is even evident in recycling habits.
They love potatoes and herring. I don’t like herring but I do love potatis med graddfil!
Fika is a religious experience.Everyday of the week, Swedes love coffee, love kakor (cake), and love to talk (they can!) in a profound experience called the fika. You cannot get away from and you cannot live without. Consider it to be a high end coffee break with the icing on top too.

And there you have it! What else should we know about Swedes?

Swedish Swedos and Stekare Stockholmers

I have no idea why Stockholm men wear a ton of hair gel. The average Stockholm male uses 9 containers of gel and the average cost per bottle is 230SEK. That’s a lot of gel, enough to electrify an entire heard of horse I bet.

Please men, I beg you to stop the madness. This slicked back, supergel’ed hair is just not cool. Remember the group on Facebook relating to Crocks, “you look so fucking stupid with those shoes on”? This is the same thing. In Swedish we call it “stekare” and I define it as those skinny guys with long slicked hair, Armani eyewear, and virtual ipods playing GLAMOROUS in their ears. And they bounce when they walk down the street.

Still need a visual image? Here are a few:

The Swedos are invading

A little too much sun or bodybuilding tanner

Now crazy swedes

Amazing self portrait of a Swede’s reflection
From Steelth via Flickr

Stureplan boys eating
Don’t they just look full of themselves
From medvinen via Flickr

Swedish men out there, take heed, take notice, please do not overdo yourself like a peacock. You might think you’re cool in Stureplan with those awesome sunglasses and the ability to buy a drink at Sturehof, but frankly it’s just stupid looking. I love well dressed men, but I hate cocky looking men.

To Go Dutch or To Not Go Dutch… That is the Question

In previous posts, I discussed how one should pay for date nights. Do you go dutch or does one person pay for everything? In all this talk, I failed to explain the concept of going dutch; foreign to both the Swedes and the Dutch.

What is this funny idea from the lower country called The Netherlands? First, I did a little research on the history of going, the popularity of it in different countries, and then what people think of it. I went to Wiki, Yahoo Answers, Facebook status message, and even Twitter.

According to the Wikipedia entry, which unfortunately has been marked as full of weasel language, the definition is a bit nebulous. The phrase did probably originate in Holland because people pay for their own share when going out in groups. Makes sense to me. But on dates, or one-on-one events, the man usually pays for the meal (food and drinks). Standard etiquette says that the inviter pays for the meal. Equality etiquette states that the man and woman pay for their own share. Somewhere in between, some pissed off British blokes decided to insult the Dutch by coining the term “going dutch.” The phrase originated somewhere in the 1870s though it is unclear.

There was also an explanation of what happens in Sweden:

In Sweden, the practice of splitting the bill in restaurants is common. In a courtship situation where both parts have a similar financial standing, which is commonplace in Sweden, the traditional custom of the man always paying in restaurants has largely fallen out of use and is by many, including etiquette authorities[who?], considered old fashioned. Generally a romantic couple will take turns paying the bill or split it. It is generally assumed that everyone pays for himself or herself in restaurants unless the invitation stated otherwise.

I asked this to everyone: What does “going dutch” mean to you? And do you ‘go dutch’ on dates?
From Twitter:
@souldate: to split a restaurant bill by only paying exactly for what you had.
@pontusolin: That you split the costs at a social engagement.
@Ingyplingy: I thnk for Swedes it’s normal. But then, the majority of women here have been part of the work force since the 70s. At least. [Well] I actually don’t really care :-) We can go dutch, he can pay, OR I can pay!!! How about that, huh? ;) I still think there seems to be a cultural diff, since it seems like men r still expected to b able to provide for a family in US

From Facebook:
AN (American girl in the US): splitting the bill? walking around naked? plan a trip to the netherlands? ?
Sapphire: wee! i like the walking around naked part. do you think people should go dutch on the first date?
AN: do i think they should walk around naked on the first date? I mean…maybe…if its hot outside.
do i think they should split the bill on the first date? hell no! but, of course, i do live in the south…
RF (American girl in the US): hahhaa, You are hilarious!! I totally agree though- I share these impressions of going dutch;)
Saf (American girl in the US): Going dutch on a first date means that whoever invited you is cheap, wasn’t raised to be a gentleman…AND probably walks around naked ALL the time. But, of course, I’m from SF, so this is normal.
CM (swedish/american dude): I’m against it. She pays.. or I’m not putting out :P JK
Seriously, but no.. dutch is a bit of a hassle.. but I don’t mind if the girl pays.. once in a while.. that’s how swedish I am.
LBO (american girl married to a Swede in Sweden): i like it. It makes everyone equal. I enjoy myself more if I pay my share. =) We used to do it in the US [go dutch] , we don’t now. now I either pay all or he pays all.
Porbjorn (the poor chap attached to me): I dont like it [going dutch], just don’t really like it. It is ok if none of you really have money; like if you’re a student. But well, if a guy brings a girl on a date, i think the guy should pay.

To sum it up: there is no good answer to it. Going dutch depends on the guy, the girl, and the circumstances around the date. Seemingly normal girls can go insane if they must pay their own way. Chivalrous attitudes required by men are neither arcane nor unnecessary. Women should truly take pity on men, as they have no idea what is acceptable and what is not. If I were a man, I would take her to a good restaurant (nothing fancy) and pay for that first date. If she seems like the type that wants everything paid for, then be prepared and face the wallet consequences.

Otherwise, if you are girl on a date, make the effort to take part in the expenses. Sometime I pay for ice cream or drinks if we go to another place after dinner. Whether America or Sweden or somewhere in between, there should be some equality between the sexes.

But men can still hold the door. ;)

Don’t forget your bolaget bag

When walking around the city on a Friday or Saturday night, I noticed everyone has a little purple or blue bag. It is almost fashionable to have one of those small bags filled with hidden liquor. At the same time, it’s entertaining. In a country where beer can run you $100 in one night at a bar, people are very protective of their alcohol. And there’s some etiquette involved.

If you are invited to a party at someone’s house, you are expected to bring your own beer. (I’ve learned this the hard way) This isn’t the BYOB days at college house parties where the hosts were too poor to afford kegs for hundreds of people. These are nice birthday parties, house parties or even a poker night. Hosts expect you to BYOB, and literally it means beer or wine or cidre. No real liquor please. You could but then you would be seen as a true alcoholic who has money to spend. [reflecting that a 700ml bottle of Absolut costs $44]

So you get invited to a Swedish house party. Plan on bringing enough beer to last two or three hours. After that, the group will head out to a bar. You want to be buzzed enough before heading out to not drop $10 per beer at a club.

But, there are couple exceptions. If you are going to a formal dinner party, your hosts will probably have organized the wine and beer for the evening. Yippe! And most corporate engagements I have attended also cover the alcohol. Be sure to check.

Finally, Friday night: battled the cold, stood in long lines to get in the bolaget and out, and beaten the other crazy Swedes to get the last bottle of Stella. What happens next is weird. I get to the party, expecting lots of rambunctious swedes and instead get… people sitting, drinking beer, and minding their own business. Little purple and blue are placed securely between the owner’s legs for fear of grand theft beer by other guests. No one really talks to me and people just mumble a bit with each other. I compare it to a wake; without someone to mourn. It is really bizarre and yet reflective of the dependence (or perceived dependence) to get these funny people to socialize.

Eventually, people make it to their third beer. and OMG! life! The Swedes wake up from their comas and start chatting, walking around, mingling with others. Finally someone will say, “tjena! i heard you are from the US. how do like my country??” And there’s a chance you can speak to a male without him running away. Pretty awesome. But if you wait too long to talk to folks, you may end up having some very drunk conversations. And Swedes, as we all know, have some issues when it comes to human interactions.

And if you forget the bolaget bag…? Well, hope to god that some Swede misplaces his bag and you can steal that lovely Swedish beer and begin conversing with people. Like how you’re supposed to do it. With beer.

Americanisms in dating…Of wingmen and pilots

I’ve been trying to come up with something to post about this week and life hasn’t been exciting. I thought however we would revisit Þorbjörn, the little swede I met in the US. We had a discussion about meeting someone in a bar in Sweden versus the US. Here are the conversations (edited to make sense).

The explanation of wingmen in American culture:
Þórbjörn: wingman ??
me: o m g
Þórbjörn: hey, i am from sweden!!
me: in fighter plane scenarios
there’s always a leader whose goal is to hit the main target
his wingmen (flying behind him in formation)
deal with enemy fire
Þórbjörn: haha
me: that’s real air force
in social situations it’s similar
Þórbjörn: so if i want my friend to hook up with a girl, i need to be his wingman?
me: well yes, but it’s an art
you have a lead pilot, usually an alpha male
he’s the most charismatic, friendly, and cunning with women
he’ll always have one or two male friends
those are wingmen
Þórbjörn: haha
me: those guys entertain the target’s female friends
the wingmen also soften the women up by being cute, silly, more romantic
during that confusion
the leader takes his target
Þórbjörn: so extreamly american…
me: hahaha, how so?
Þórbjörn: sounds very american ;)

The Swedish way:
Þórbjörn:my friends in sweden never worked in that way
me: how does it work?
Þórbjörn: how did it work? oh, hot girl, i will go for her, screw you guys
me: oh yah, i was told guys have no problems ditching their friends
Þórbjörn: of course not…you can’t have sex with your friends
me: what about us and how we met?
Þórbjörn: our dating seemed very swedish to me… meet at a bar, have sex, start hanging out, have more sex =)
oh, and one woman at the time… that is complicated enough for me

How to talk to girl in the American bar:
What you do as a male who finally made it past enemy fire and has the target in range.
Þórbjörn: so what would I have done if I was an American?
me: first off, we wouldn’t have never made it to my place b/c i would have expected you to hit on me
and buy me drinks
and flirt and be cute
Þórbjörn: and then?
me: we probably would not have gone home together that night but rather exchanged numbers
maybe make out in the bar
Þórbjörn: that sounds utterly boring
me: LOL
then you would have called me a few days later and ask me out for dinner
Þórbjörn: why can’t you do that?
me: chivalry my friend, male chivalry
Þórbjörn: crazy americans

The Swedish Male Look

I met a little swede a few months ago while I was still living in the US and for the one time in my life, I made a move on him. He was already living in the states for the past eight months but, that really doesn’t change swedish ways; especially male swedish mating ways.

So the backstory: I went to the Scandinavian happy hour; it was of course full of $3 spatens, 80 beers on tap, and many many Swedish men (a couple token Norwegians and women were around too). When I first met my little swede*, Þórbjörn, I was introduced by another mutual friend who happened to be an insane Norwegian lacking a filter on his mouth (that’s another story). I was jokingly introduced as the mistress girlfriend and of course the Swedes in this group of five, giggled. Yes, the men giggle. And then everyone introduces themselves in a typical fashion but then Þórbjörn here, says hi and gives the swedish male look. It is THE look for a swedish man interested in a woman. They refuse to accept the existence of such a look, but it does indeed exist.

THE Swedish Male Look
What is it? Ladies, you know the look you give a man in the bar/restaurant/party etc that you’re interested in him? You look at him, make eye contact, smile shyly, look away, look back at him, and turn away. That, is basically the look a Swedish man gives.

He is an expert at staring at the floor even when none is in line of sight. He will look at you very shyly, smile a little, bat his eyes and look down at the floor at the same time, then look back up at you. I call the ‘devil in a sheep’s outfit’ look. It’s very innocent and endearing but you know and he knows, there are very naughty intentions behind it.

This look is the definite sign of trouble. Ladies in Sweden, if you get this look, you either move in for the kill or move on. He’s played his move with his shy, quiet Nordic self; he’s waiting for you now. It’s subtle. He already drank a few beers and mustered up the courage to give you the look. So, you better your know it.

And if you can recognize the swedish male look, you’ll know how to hunt down any Swede you want. And if you are timid with men, like myself, well you are partly screwed. This is Sweden after all, and the women pick up the men.

Välkommen till Sverige.

*Since the little swede doesn’t have a very Swedish name in real life, I’m going to give him one: Þórbjörn. Okay, that’s Icelandic but whatever. Or maybe Pehr.

Cluelessness is worse than Maliciousness

I have to give credit to a girlfriend who said that today in a traditional conversation of “men are asses, women are nuts.”

In light of my recent happenings with a certain Swede, blogging about it is the appropriate way to figure out if what happened was due to cultural differences, male carelessness, or dirty thinking. And hey, entertainment value for everyone. =) We’ll start off with last week’s story of a beer outing I had with him and meeting him after six months…

The Nervous Swede
Tall, good looking, athletic, smart, he has the makings of a very fine man. But the Swedish male always has something hidden: his soul, his heart, his intentions, his life. You may meet him several times and only learn about his love for football, sex, and innebandy. He could probably spend most of the evening staring at the floor, ceiling, his shoes, and the infinite particles floating in space. You may never know if he likes you, dislikes you, or wants to take you home forever.

But back to this particular Swede, in usual Swedish spirit we will call him Åke. Åke picks the corner seating in the bar, next to the window. Takes off his neat double breasted pea coat and scarf and sits in the corner. I sit across. We order two beers and begin talking. Then it becomes interesting. Within minutes, he begins fidgeting. Crossing legs. Uncrossing legs. Crossing legs. Rubbing legs. Uncrossing legs. Squirming in the chair.

The conversation quickly unravels into chaos. No topic is covered for more than two minutes. He bombards me with questions: “do you like sweden? are you going to travel? do you know the roads yet? are you going to buy a bike? how is job searching going? where are you applying to ? what abt grad school? when do you find out? where will you live? when do you move in? …” I answer one, I get shot with another. Pretty soon, he was staring off into space. Make eye contact with him, he quickly looks away. A very Swedish thing I must say. Men get scared of making eye contact with women. They will stare at *anything*, but the girl.

Eventually this evening turns into a farce. He looks more and more uncomfortable and frightened. If he had a Fantastic Four power, he would have walked through the window and run. And run! I could not pinpoint his nervousness. Having a beer with a pretty girl? Knowing he has a girlfriend while the one at the table is not quite aware of it? Has a slight attraction and does not know what to do? Who knows…

As luck would have it, Liverpool saved his life. The Champions League was on tv at 20:30 and he could crawl away hoping my look would not destroy him in the process.

And that was öl night with Åke. What it says about Swedish males and males in general, I am not sure yet. But we’ll moving back in time of how this whole relationship unraveled at the seems and eventually imploded.

PS- I should make it clear I am not here to bash him. He was not a bad person or an ass to me during the six months of online confusion (btw, we met each other in person first). It was a learning experience. He admitted being attracted to me and liking me too. But then he was clueless; clueless that I was always attracted to him even though we both saw different people; clueless about flirting that was misinterpreted by me; clueless that being overly helpful is a sign of attraction (no such thing as a free lunch). Though sadly, being clueless is more damaging than being malicious. And maybe distance and time too…

Clarification: I should mention that though I had a deep crush on Åke, I knew it would have never worked out. I had blind optimism that there was still a spark and that maybe the sun, moon, stars, planets, galaxies would have aligned themselves. They didn’t of course and that is for me to accept. What was most hurtful however was being flirted with (knowingly or unknowingly on his end) for a long period when intentions were never there. I can be heartbroken but I don’t like being a made fool out of.

Snow, Love, and Rising from the Ashes

It snowed today. Yes, winter is desperately trying to prove herself worthy of being called winter. And she did a fine job today; the snow remained throughout the morning. I loved it; walking down the street bundled up while large, beautiful white flakes fall onto your hair and coat is majestic. The surrounding trees, fences, cars, and grass covered in white fluff makes everything more romantic. Truly. Snow is romantic. For those who live in the northern states or snow filled areas of the world, there isn’t anything more beautiful than watching the earth be covered in powdered sugar while you enjoy a hot chocolate and a book inside.

But moving on to the second part of title: love. It is a strong word but there is no word between ‘like’ and ‘love.’ (Seems like there is a good market opportunity out there for someone to create such a word.) I came to a sad realization yesterday; someone I had pined for the past six months no longer reciprocated those feelings. He said he had the same feelings and continued flirting during this time. And he was overly friendly, always helping me with whatever I needed if it related to Sweden. (Yes, he is Swedish and yes, he is from Stockholm.) I know Swedes are known to partake in careless, uninhibited flirting, but he crossed the line. Where? It doesn’t matter, one knows. Nevertheless, I felt cheated and taken advantage of, some signs are universal and whether he knew it or not, he continued showing interested despite having a girlfriend. Now, I pondered whether to bring him up in my blog because a certain amount of his privacy would be divulged. Then I decided, it is my life too and if anything, I do write about the Swedish male mind and here indeed is the perfect specimen. You can look forward to posts about him and the twisted, albeit entertaining Swedish male in the future.

Ending the drama with him is a relief. He tore me apart for six months and to go on any longer was ridiculous. Like my friends said, “it’s his loss and his fear to do something new that ended it.” So fine, it’s done and I can move on in peace (maybe a slap to him would be helpful). I can rise from the ashes in every way possible. Today it is my time to shine without a crutch of a male to push me aside as a second. I gave up everything I had to move to Sweden and I deserve what I strive for in this new life. A new job, grad school, friends, home are my priorities. Definitely I will not say no to the fika or a “date” (hey, this blog is about hunting the swedish male) but it is no longer my priority. The phoenix imploded after having her heart broken again and she has returned to a new life.

Feminism, Sexism, and Lingerie

Hairy Swede wrote a great commentary on feminism and sexism in Sweden a few days ago. I thought I would you point you all to his post as well as my comment- expanded below.

When I lived in France, there would be topless women in billboard advertisements. Sexist? Well, maybe because the company was selling lotion. Or maybe not; after all it is just the human body. While we find the French strange, they do have certain liberal ideas to admire: topless beaches, uncensored television, racy print advertisements, condom machines in plazas. Some people say it’s sexist to exploit the female body in such a manner. Is it though? We allow men in tight underwear in Hanes commercials or women cat calling hot construction workers (the Diet Coke ad from the 90s) and no one complains.

But a topless women? Obscene, vulgar, disrespectful. No, it’s advertising, art and pleasuring the senses to buy a product. There are extremes to this case but we’re not going to discuss that here.

Back to Sweden. For Sweden priding itself on equality, some people take it to the extremes. At the end of the day, men and women will never be the same in a biological, evolutionary sense. We can reach a level of equality in society only if we accept that men and women are different and will interpret situations, people, life in their own ways.

However, some feminists believe it is possible for society to exist in a perfect equilibrium between the sexes. But, a consequence of extreme feminism is male submissiveness. The men in Sweden are run over by the women. They are told what constitutes equality and told how to behave, thus creating a unisex society. We can agree on some great aspects of Swedish equality, but creating a more than equal society for women at the expense of men is unfair.

So ladies in Sweden, let there be hot lingerie advertisements. Take a lesson from the French: the female body is beautiful; might as well adorn it. The Swedish men could surely use some fire in their lives.

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Lost in Stockholm

Finding, keeping, and living with the Swede

10 Things to Know About Swedes

Swedish Swedos and Stekare Stockholmers

Top 5 Dating Swedish Men Posts

To Go Dutch or To Not Go Dutch… That is the Question

Don’t forget your bolaget bag

Americanisms in dating…Of wingmen and pilots

The Swedish Male Look

Cluelessness is worse than Maliciousness

Snow, Love, and Rising from the Ashes

Feminism, Sexism, and Lingerie

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