Lost in Stockholm

When I write for Lost in Stockholm, I have tons of ideas in my head that eventually gets vaporized by my lack of effectively putting these thoughts into sentences. Just now, I was thinking ‘well, what the hell do I write about? Do people care about my daily bits or do they want to hear about polar bears?’ I gots no clue.

But, I wonder about lots of things in Sweden and outside that have Swedish names. Like Nordstrom, or Swedish fish, or even the Swedish bikini team. I decided to head online (which is anyway where I reside 70% of the time) to research funny things that are called ’swedish.’

Swedish Fish – Yea, those little red plastic tasting fishies that come in a yellow bag. You find them at the counters in Walgreens, CVS, and little convenience stores across America. Swedish fish was founded in 1958 by the Swedish candy company Maleco and then distributed by the Cadbury company. The real swedish version of them are called pastellfiskar (pastel fish) and are less sweet, more fruit flavored, and have Malaco (instead of Swedish) stamped on them.

Swedish Massage – By far the most intriguing of all because Swedes have no idea what this kind of massage. In Sweden, you just call it classic massage. It’s named after Per Henrik Ling, a medical gymnastic doctor of the 19th century, who created five basic, long strokes to massage the body. Indeed, the Swedish massage has something to do with Sweden.

Swedish Bikini Team – Well, to burst your bubble, they are not swedish at all, but American girls who posed for Milwaukee Brew ads in the early 1990s. However, you can find Swedish girls in bikinis, just in Sweden.

Stockholm Syndrome – A psychological response when some hostages/kidnapes feel association and emotional connection with their predator. Stockholm Syndrome got the name from the 1973 bank robbery where the hostages eventually protected their captors. Yes, extremely bizarre but a serious problem in hostage situations.

Swedish Meatballs – Okay we do not eat meatballs everyday. At least I don’t, for fear of turning into a round meatball myself. Back in the day, meatballs were a luxury item (how many people could afford meat in the 1800s) that was lavished by the upper classes. Today, you can buy flash frozen meatballs (they taste terrible!) with sugar laden ligonberry jam and call it Swedish meatballs. Oh the irony! Since Christmas is around the corner, I’ll post some popular swedish recipes here.

Thanks to ‘what the what’ about this one:
The Swedish Chef – A classic Swedish icon part of the Muppet Show, he arrived in the 1970s on the scene as the chef. Speaking gibberish, the awesome Bork Bork Bork!, his chefspeak is part of hacker language today. No one really knows if The Swedish Chef is based on a real person, but it could Julia Child or Friedman Paul Erhardt. Whatever it is this insanely silly chef knows how to botch up just about any dish out there. Like chocolate mousse made with a moose. OR frog soup, where he tried to stick Kermit the frog into the soup bowl. If you don’t know The Swedish Chef, then you better start watching now.

and finally…
Nordstrom – That awesome department store is in fact a Swedish owned company. Nordstrom started in 1901 by Johan Nordstrom. It was a shoe store called Wallin and Nordstrom. And go figure, today it’s a multi billion dollar luxury department store in the United States. The Swedes are everywhere!

There are some of my random thoughts of the day. =)

Sometimes I go crazy in Sweden. It just drives me bonkers. Any place that one lives in long enough would drive you insane but there are days when I really wonder if Swedes are mentally okay in the head. Here are my ten reasons why I hate Sweden because I can bitch and whine just like any other Swede.

1. Fitted bedsheets that aren’t fitted. WTH? These Swedish bedsheets look like table clothes, they barely fit on the bed. I want a real sheet that covers the bed and doesn’t fall off when I toss and turn while sleeping.

2. Whiny Swedes; stop complaining about the weather! We know the weather is terrible and we know it’s dark for 3 full months but stop bitching. It’s shitty weather in NY, Maine, Idaho, Colorado, Alaska, and Ontario. They don’t whine all day about 30 inches of show, blasting blizzards every two weeks, -20F weather (that is minus 30C for those needing metric), and the need for studded tires in the winter. Suck it up Swedes, the more you complain, the worse life will be for you. Stop bitching about the glass being have empty and the weather being dark and cold. You’re a goddamn viking, be one!

3. System Bolaget. Monopolies are bad. Unnatural monopolies are even worse. Unnatural monopolies created by and run by the government is worst. Unnatural alcohol monopolies created by and run by the government is really really creepy. People who believe that it’s okay for their government to run a monopoly and “trust” their government wholeheartedly, are insane.

4. The shitty selection at the alcohol monopoly stores. YES, your choices suck. If you think you get a good selection of alcohol, you are from Mars. And ordering beer from the catalog? Are you nuts, are we doing 1890s Sears mail orders? Should I also order my drill set, bedsheets, and a toaster? Sorry to bust it to the Swedes, but if you have no taste in beer, I don’t trust your selection of other alcohols either.

5. No one has responsibilities; Swedish socialism. the government treats Swedes as a bunch breast sucking eternal babies. Grow up! Make decisions on your own! Give people the opportunity to take control and be responsible for their actions. O_o

6. Wearing horrible fashionable clothes. The 1980s fashion died for a reason, let it be dead. Leggings, stupid looking t-shirts, big belts, and oversized hobo bags make you like a bag lady not a classic lady. Stop looking like a douche from Flashdance.

7. Fear from others. It’s okay to speak to a stranger every once in a while. It won’t kill you; honestly I promise. Actually helping someone carry groceries or opening a door may be considered by some people to be courteous. OMG, what a concept! Being nice to others. I didn’t say you have to be a friendly cherub, just some common sense and a little smile. Might also help to stop whining too.

8. Idiotic Stockholm drivers. You guys suck ass. Why the hell spends thousands to get a drivers license when obviously in Stockholm it is okay to:
Go down a one way street the wrong way
Refuse to yield at a cross walk
Speed in the innerstaden area
Make illegal left turns on red
Park your car on the sidewalk and take up all the space
Make illegal right turns on red
Drive backwards for at least 100meters to only get back into the intersection and turn around to go the other way
Run people over in the middle of the crosswalk. Do you asshats have eyes or buttons?

9. Sucky Swedish beers. Sweden cannot make beer. They produce filter pee with malt flavoring and call it beer. I find it nauseating. How can Swedes drink such nasty stuff. There are days I feel that Miller or Budweiser beer tastes better than all these nasty Stockholm City, Pripps Blå, Lapin Kulta, Spendrups, and other various disgusting concoctions of alcoholic beverages.

10. An everything is better in Sweden attitude. No, your country is not awesome. You’re just damn lucky that millions of people aren’t running through the borders and that you live too far up north on Earth for anyone to give a shit to take over. (Unless you’re Norway, in that case I heard it is okay) Stop giving me the “in sweden we have this system and it works better because…”

11. American bashing. Probably because I am American, I get to hear all the complaints about Americans from the Swedes.
‘Why do you guys sue each other all the time?’ Because we have different legal system, it’s based on checks and balances and the right to challenge authority.
‘Why is there no universal health care?’ Agree, we suck there; I assert responsibility to the powerful pharmaceutical industry.
‘Why do you have checks at the bank?’ Because we fucking do.
‘Why does American have to such a large army?’ Because we want to be a hegemonic state and well, we like big toys.

What’s your “I hate Sweden” story? We’ll give the Swedes a happy post later on why we love Sweden, but for now, it’s time for Sweden bashing.