The Year of the Rabbit is finally over. When the year started, I was expecting an amazing one. We got married during the first week and considering our love for bunnies, it shouldn’t be anything less than stellar.
Drawing by aquineth.
Not true. It’s turned out to be the worst year of my life. We lost our rabbit, Bunny, during the year. It was a no bunny policy evidently.
Then I lost my mom. And really when you lose 40% of your family in one year, the year couldn’t be any crappier. There is so much gone from our lives that we will never recover.
- There was neither a honeymoon period in our marriage nor first year follies and funnies. Reality hit us hard from the start and all we could do was put up a great wall and wait the year out.
- There was no first year anniversary celebration with my parents.
- There was no joint birthday for Mom and Bunny (they shared the same birthday – ironic).
- There was no 30th birthday with my whole family (but at least with Dad and some great friends).
- There was no Mom to introduce our new bunny to.
- There were no feelings for several months of the year.
- There was no one to take care of us when we needed taking care of.
- There was no giant fuzzball to paper shred our documents.
- There was no fuzzball to squeeze and hold for many months.
2011 was full of heartbreak. On the positive side, it started beautifully with a wedding I can never forget. Friends who came from everywhere to be with us and celebrate. And parents who put in endless hours to make it happen. For that, I am eternally grateful.
I read on another blog about how this girl’s 2012 started miserably. She fell sick, needed to change antibiotics twice, had her period, was sick. You know, really tragic stuff (sarcastic). I did not have the audacity to write something caustic and say, “Awww, you’re PMSing and mad. Perhaps the next 356 days will suck too!”
And then my friend told me something vexing. “I’m so proud of you. You’ve kept yourself together during all this time. I would be a total mess. Crying hysterically everyday.” Even though she meant well, her comments pissed me off. It felt that my loss wasn’t that big of a deal since I ‘controlled my feelings to the public world.’
I have not posted much about how I feel, unlike the above whiner with her PMS issues. That’s because sharing my real feelings makes me sick to my stomach. It sucks the life out of you when confronted with real emotions. I wrote a poem but haven’t brought myself to sharing it (maybe one day) with anyone.
Most people, including family, don’t know how I really feel partly because no one asks me (they do ask about Dad) and also that I don’t offer. Why confront the elephant in the room?
On top of everything, I don’t feel as social anymore. What do you talk about with people? A friend came to my birthday party and started talking about how sorry she was about my loss and I was not in the mood to discuss it. But she harped on for another five minutes before I was intercepted on a crisis with the beer cans. Everything feels awkward.
And like the whiney blogger I mentioned above, right now I have less patience for people who post petty status messages and expect others to feel sorry for them. “Omg, I broke my nail.” Or people who brag about their lives: “Omg, I have to show you all my champagne and my seat in business class. It’s the 5th time this month!” Awwww, aren’t you special.
For those of you who lost a mom or dad this past year, this is a toast to us. We survived the year and we will slowly make it back to reality once again. We will learn to laugh and smile, and feel the goodness within.
And for those of you who shared your stories on LiS, thank so you much. You guys are awesome. And to my friends who have checked on me and made sure I still had a pulse, I love you.
I’m going to bid the year of the rabbit farewell with relief and expect better from the year of the dragon.