Dating in Sweden…We Americans need a guide

10 Oct
2007

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So I’m back in Sweden for a week and have a little while to mingle/party/get smushed on the T-bana with the Swedes. However, after living in France for a year and a half, I knew what was going on with the French dating system (quite screwed up). Now I know I have only been in Sweden a couple days (and will hopefully return permanently) but from reading various blogs and talking to Swedish girls, the dating system here is screwed up and really confusing.

First, I have to admit the American system is not good. It puts pressure on the man to pay, to do things, to have chivalry and then that puts pressure on the girl to put out. People date multiple people without really telling what’s going on and then all of a sudden things become official — “he’s my boyfriend now.” It is not acceptable for women to ask men out (believe me, it never works out even if he said yes on that first date).
Frankly, I’m not impressed with the system. I want to be able to pay my way, not feel pressured, and hell, if I like that man, I should ask him out.

Now it struck me that dating swedish men is something more utopian (for me at least) but at the same time more confusing than it could ever be.
So I figured I should at least put down all my questions and observations on this blog in the hopes that folks will respond with their own experiences and observations.

The Questions:
1. Is it acceptable for women to ask men out?
2. Do men expect women to ask them out or vice versa?
3. What is the Swedish version of a “date?”
4. Do Swedes date more than one person at a time before settling down with one person?
5. Do men prefer that women take the lead (i.e. make the moves)?
6. Does it really take forever for people to get married in Sweden?
7. How does a second date work?
8. What’s with the text messaging?
9. How/where do Swedes meet?

The Observations and Advice from fellow Swedish women:
– Women have to make the moves to make things happen
– Text, text, text message…just don’t call
– Go out on a date and really have no idea where you stand
– Meet someone and have no idea where you stand after chatting for a few hours
– Learn that they do seem to keep their feelings bottled up. They could probably make great poker players.
– Ask the man for his number because he’s not asking you
– “Swedish men are inconsiderate” i.e. they lack chivalry (not my words either!)
– People don’t flirt in public places, e.g. the train, the queue, the store
– People don’t really smile and flirt with the eyes. No no no.
– Men are thankfully not seen serenading women like they do in France (so annoying and wimpy)

I’ll add to this the more I understand (don’t understand) of this strange culture :)

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203 Responses to Dating in Sweden…We Americans need a guide

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Sapphire

November 15th, 2007 at 21:51

Oh my goodness, I nearly fell off the chair laughing! Your sweetie is quite entertaining and we’ll keep his name anonymous. Or call him Sven. =)

I have very limited experience with the Swedish males but what I do like is that women are allowed to take charge and ask men out. It’s very difficult in America to do that because then people attach labels. Of course, I find it totally entertaining to see 6’4” slender males giving the flirt look at a bar and not make a move.

Unless there is alcohol … a definite prerequisite.

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Sapphire

November 15th, 2007 at 22:05

Nice! I have not really made any effort on match.com (or .se)…
I should, to continue my social experiment.

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Lucello

November 15th, 2007 at 21:39

Ooh, ooh!

Here are some responses from my swedish sweetie (don’t tell him I posted here):

1. Is it acceptable for women to ask men out?

Yes

2. Do men expect women to ask them out or vice versa?

I think it’s somewhat less acceptable for a guy to turn a girl down, than vice versa…
More often the guy, of course.
That’s just a biological thing, you know.

3. So, if a girl asks a guy out, he’ll say yes even if he doesn’t particularly want to?

I’d say so.

4. What is the typical swedish ‘date’?

Why? What is this all about?
Why am I being interrogated?

5. Well I have a friend who just moved to Sweden and she’s wondering.

First date? Coffee shop or movie or possibly dinner…
“Fika”

6. Fika?

“Fika” is having coffee, basically.

7. Do men prefer women to take the lead?

Depends on the man, you monkey.

8. How does a second date work? Do people kiss on the first date? or go farther?

Depends on the people.
Yes, and yes.

9. What’s with the text messaging?

What?

10. Well, apparently you are not supposed to call someone you went out with, but always sms..

Uh, that’s after my time.

11. So, she says that other swedish women have said that swedish men lack chilvary (I have witnessed that).

Ha.
And Swedish women behave like sluts when they go abroad.
Go on vacation, have greek with the surf board instructor, come home, give their boyfriend diseases.
Because the surf board instructor was so romantic!
Not like the boyfriend, at all! Gave her roses!

Inviting a man home for white wine, shrimp, and a baguette used to be women’s way of declaring interest.
In the old days.

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Lucello

November 15th, 2007 at 21:59

I would also like to point out that I met my particular swede on match.com, the U.S. version. Just saying.

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Nettan

November 20th, 2007 at 19:33

I’m a swedish girl who moved from sweden and Stockholm 6 years ago (I would love to return, but that\s another story)
anyway… dating, screwed up? I can only agree.
In my opinion – you have no clue what’s going on. I found the dating in northamerica so much better but, I guess, so old-fashioned. In Sweden women are far more independant than that.
As for the SMS behavior, it had already started before I left and I’m sure nobody ever talks ever nowadays.
Another thing that is a striking difference is the fact that it does take a long time before Swedes gets married – if ever. Many of my friends stay engaged, common-law and have kids withouth getting married. Over here, it seems if you get engaged you actually intend to set a date and get married within a year or two.
Good luck with your Sweden move, sounds exiting!

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Sapphire

January 3rd, 2008 at 14:56

Thank you for posting SEK. Feel to post, rant, ponder whenever you feel like. =)

I actually like the fact that Swedes can see their exes without throwing vases at each other. I’ve maintained good relations with my exes, because they are still fun, good people at the end of the day.

And for the record…I don’t have a boyfriend, neither here, nor Sweden. ;) There was a fellow…let’s hope he is still around in a month to say yes to anything.

And god bless the Swedish boys for cooking/cleaning on their own!

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SEK

January 3rd, 2008 at 14:09

Hmmm, dating Swedes, where to begin…

I’m not really sure how to go about dating a Swede as me and my boyfriend met online but I do know what it’s like to be in relationship with one so my comments are more from that point of view.

Be prepared to meet ex-girlfriends. This might sound strange especially to an American since we tend to break up and never speak again but accept it and move on as “she” will never be totally out of your boyfriends life. The same goes for chicks. This might not happen as much in Stockholm or Gothenburg but in the smaller communities everyone is friends with everyone and they’ve all known each other since they were 3 years old. Your boyfriend won’t constantly hang out with his ex but he won’t leave a party just bc she’s there so it’s best to make friends with her and just get along.

Be prepared to pay for your things and I mean even if you’re popping into a store to grab some candy, he’s not going to just pick up the tab for you. Well, my Swedeheart will but he’s taken :)

Relish in the fact that you won’t likely have to ask him to take the trash out or help with the dishes or take turns cooking. He’ll just do it on his own and not even bat an eye at it. Equality among the sexes is something I love about Swedes. I have never had to ask my boyfriend to help me clean or cook. If I’m doing either one, he just steps in and starts helping without being asked.

Watch how you talk to other men. Being a friendly American can definently be misinterpreted as flirting. Stay away from actual contact with other Swedes unless you are saying, “hi” or “goodbye” and are coupling this with a simple hug. If you are touchy, they think you want to jump in the sack.

Don’t be surprised if you’re boyfriend wants to start a family but doesn’t want to get married. It’s super common in Sweden. Alot of people see weddings as just a huge expense and they don’t feel like they need a piece of paper to prove their love. There are a lot of Swedes who do get married as well, don’t get me wrong, but that’s usually after living together for a long time.

I’ll add more if and when I think of it.

Good Luck, after all, Love is a Battlefield, lol!

SEK – Sarah

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Anonymous

February 28th, 2008 at 10:34

II don’t want to seem like I’m bragging (which is also why I will stay anonymous) but it has happened a few times that girls that I don’t know, here in Sweden, my home and native country, have flirted with me. for example in a grocery store or just on the street, actually, most times on the street. I’m not really talking about giving “the look”, I’m talking about half-shouting “hey, handsome!” or something like that. It hasn’t lead to anything, really, though. But I still think it’s fun and I’m really glad for a compliment like that. I think I should start doing that to girls, as well.

Again, not bragging…So don’t bother going there…

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Sapphire

March 1st, 2008 at 16:49

I don’t think you’re bragging but I find it interesting that it is the girls who are cat calling you. Any ideas? In the US, it’s always the men cat calling, women rarely do it.

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Anonymous guy named Gustav

March 2nd, 2008 at 02:23

No, I’m just glad there are no men cat calling me :P hehe, no I get your point and it’s interesting. Actually, I have no idea. But I guess guys do it here too, although I’ve never done it… Maybe it’s more accepted here for girls to do it since it’s more equal between the genders? Like that it’s more accepted for the girl to ask out the guy than vice versa in Sweden than it is in USA

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elle

March 24th, 2008 at 01:57

i love love love your blog! i’ll post more comments later – have you wrote on french dating ? can’t find it.

hugs

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Sapphire

March 31st, 2008 at 13:04

@ elle- No, I’ve not written on French dating. I did live in France and date someone but this was many years ago when I was still young and fresh.

@ Anonymous guy named Gustav- I definitely see the women making the move more than the men. I guess they are empowered and know exactly who and what they want.

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SwedishGirl

April 3rd, 2008 at 03:18

I lived in Sweden for quite some time then moved to New Zealand . I have to admit Swedish guys are very sweet and shy and I loved getting to make the 1st move. I’m American by the way.

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Sapphire

April 4th, 2008 at 14:53

SwedishGirl- It is very endearing to flirt with Swedish men. They are much softer and gentler than American men.

Ohhh, the Swedes…

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Sapphire

April 11th, 2008 at 14:15

I had started on blogger and found some people commented over there. I wanted to transfer their comments over since they were quite hilarious:
Saltistjejen said:
These was really funny observations of Swedes!!! :-D
I found your blog through JaCal and now when I’ve read part of it I think it is great!!! :-)

I am a swede now living in New York City (since 2 years) and it is very amusing to get some info of how a foreigner thinks about Sweden and Swedes…

I will definitely continue read your blog!
Unfortunately my blog is in Swedish so as long as you don’t know that weird language I guess you can’t really read it.

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Sapphire

April 16th, 2008 at 09:08

Swedishgirl- Oh the Swedish men are endearing!

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SwedishGirl

April 24th, 2008 at 03:10

I haven’t been on your site in a while :) I just got your comments today. Yes! Swedish men are endearing and perplexing. It was a shock being in New Zealand because there the guys are the complete opposite. I was disappointed :p My advice is publish your findings as a book. Chick-lit trends are branching out to include international heroines and no one has ever covered Sweden in a chick lit book. It’s original. I’m back in USA and I admit I wouldn’t mind dating a Swedish guy again.

Why I love Swedish men. They have this silent calm way of just being male. They don’t invade my space. They even encourage me to flirt with them in a gentle/luring manner. I loved that after (avoiding) college frat boys… I needed it.

I will check back more frequently :p If I were back in Sweden , I’d date some gorgeous Swedish lad who had just returned from a worldwide tour.

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HPT

April 28th, 2008 at 11:34

I found this blog accidentally while googling for other things. Must say, it’s really interesting since I’m also a foreign girl who used to live in Sweden for half a year (and plan to go back soon). I met this super shy Swedish guy who stayed in the same studenthouse and well he is really really sweet. I found it strange (but challenging in a good way) that girls (whatever nationalities) have to make the first moves to make things happen…as you said. Some of my Swedish girl friends told me many Swedish guys are so afraid of commitment…which is sooo true! considering my situation with this guy is not yet official…but well….let’s just say I”l just keep my fingers crossed when I go back :P

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Rosalee

April 28th, 2008 at 13:54

Hi guys!
I was just reading over your blogs,
I was wondering, I am planning on moving to Sweden and I really want to meet a wonderful Swedish guy. But the thing is I am pretty shy when it comes to asking guys out. Do you have to or will they do it if you smile at them from afar :) I am not so shy once the ice has been broken but that first move is nearly impossible for me. (by the way I am American from a small town….I guess I am just used to the guys make the moves thing lol)
Also I have always wanted to get married, will a swedish guy be really against getting married and just want to be “sambos” instead? Or will they mind having the ceremony?
Any info would be great!!!
Bye

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Gustav

April 29th, 2008 at 15:56

You don’t HAVE TO make the first move. How do i know? I’m a Swedish guy. I don’t think women make the first move more often than men here in Sweden. just think both women and men do it to pretty much the same extent. Maybe it’s just because you’re used to the American way (the guy always making the first and asking the girl out etc.) and therefore you perceive it as women doing it more since they’re doing it more than you’re used to in USA. U dig?

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Sapphire

May 17th, 2008 at 15:49

@ Swedish Girl- Ditto, ditto, ditto. =)

@ HPT- keeps fingers crossed

@ Rosalee- One of the things of moving to a new country is learning to live like a native. I’m a shy person too, but I learned that I have to make an effort too, just as guys do. Many Swedes are not opposed to marriage, but don’t expect him to marry you after only one or two years. Keep up with the blog and post your questions.

@ Gustav, the male Swede- I think you are absolutely right.

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Rosalee

May 26th, 2008 at 08:47

oh thanks both of you for the help!!
I will write if i have more questions!!
Thanks :)

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American Girl

May 27th, 2008 at 05:37

“Hej” everyone!
I just stumbled across this blog and I think it is interesting. I love Swedish men! I became interested in Swedish culture about a year ago when I met a Swede on a rosetta stone language chat website (sharedtalk.com). So now I am studying Swedish because I would love to live in Sweden someday, and also that guy that I met in that language chat will be here in just 16 days and will stay for a month! Swedish men seem so different from American men, much less cocky and opened minded. Are there any Swedish peeves I may not know about that I should be aware of before he gets here?

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Sapphire

June 8th, 2008 at 17:19

Hello American Girl! Welcome to the blog. I hope you have an amazing time with your Swede. No matter what, it will be an experience.

Just be open and understanding that’s he from a different culture and way of life. He may be a western but he probably has had a very different upbringing than you.

As for pet peeves. Be respectful. Don’t wear shoes in the house. Don’t expect him to pay for everything or buy random gifts. Be honest. I’ve tried to cover some basics in the Can’t I flirt post.

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mike

June 10th, 2008 at 23:12

American women are terrible.They expect men to pay for everything or they don’t want to know you! I am 60 years old and slept with almost 200 ladies from 1963-1993. In sweden, ladies pay for themselves and will sleep with you if they like you.90% of the sex I had from women, I got for free but however most of the women like 90% were gone with a few days to a week! I want to meet a scandanavian lady!

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Sapphire

June 11th, 2008 at 17:29

That is exciting American Girl! Please do keep us updated on your escapades and lost in translationisms. =)

I would say since he is visiting you, he will have to get used to American way of life. ;)

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American Girl

June 11th, 2008 at 17:02

Thanks :)
We’ve talked about these things quite a few times. I always feel bad when men pay anyway, so I am so ready :p. I pick him up at the airport in 6 hours, so I am ecstatic! About the shoes though, I think it would be very hard to have my family take them off (I’ve tried), they are very stubborn when it comes to how they live in the house, but I’ve talked to him about the shoes issue, and I he’s ok with this. I am taking extra precautions by scrubbing the floors so he doesn’t get any dirt on his socks =P As my family says: “He should get the full American experience.”

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Chez

June 14th, 2008 at 16:55

Hey peeps, I am actually an English girl but feeling just as perplexed about Swedish men! I met a Swede online and hes lovely (we still chat as mates now) but when we met up in Stockholm it was a nightmare for me! I really like Swedish men but they are soooo different from English guys! English guys are much more open in their approach (more bravado and open about their feelings) Their are similarities in our dating methods though. (which is why I thought it would be so easy) When I met my swede, he was gentle and sweet but it was like trying to get blood out of a stone sometimes! One minute he was open and attentive, the next shy and closed up – I couldn’t read him at all and it made me retreat into my shell. It nearly put me off and when I left Stockholm I thought that swedish men are just beautiful wierd, emotional freaks but then I found this page….Now I have more knowledge I may just go in for round 2 hahaha ;) Stay sweet People! xx

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Jessica

June 25th, 2008 at 12:35

I was looking to get some good advices from swedish girls about dating, but also for them is not clear how this exactly works, then another friend, that is also foreigner and I, decided to ask between the guys, was not easy to make them speak about it, but here are some basic advices we got from some Swedes about dating:

1. In the beginning is a good idea to try with some group activities if it’s possible.

2. Once that you notice he have more confidence, invite him somewhere where you are both alone.

3. You shouldn’t be shy to kiss him first when you are alone (that’s my problem, i can be very shy).

And this is all we got from the interrogation, it looks easy…but just the transition between steps 1 and 2 can take some months…. :S

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American Girl

July 9th, 2008 at 00:09

Hey everyone!
Things are going great with my swedey =P
Sadly he goes home this Friday, but we have plans to see each other a lot in the future! I might visit him during x-mas, but then after that he has compulsory military service for 11 months, ah well, things will work! Swedish men are definitely different from American men! One of the biggest things I noticed was that the Swedish men do not go out on a limb to prove masculinity and dominance, there’s a good equality between the sexes so no one really has the upper hand =D It makes me feel a lot more confident in myself.
There are a few small customs that he left behind in Sweden, such as the shoes in the house thing, but that wasn’t really hard for him to adapt to. He has really craved for ol’ fashioned Swedish meatballs though, but he’s just gonna have to wait =P
Oh and I must say that Swedish guys, or at least this one, are very respectful and have the best manners!

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Sapphire

July 17th, 2008 at 15:39

Jessica- thanks for the information! We need more undercover agents. ;)

American Girl- I am so happy things went well for you! Have you heard from him since he left?
Swedish men are more gender neutral than American men. They are okay with being a little feminine, enjoying the arts, wearing good clothes, and treating women as equals. Perhaps the last reason is what attracts foreign women. By creating an equal playground, women can more confident and comfortable about themselves.

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samarkand

July 19th, 2008 at 02:18

Can someone please explain to me the difference between älska and kärlek?? Thanks.

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Freddie

July 26th, 2008 at 00:54

Älska (to love or to make love) is an abstract verb whereas kärlek is an abstract noun.

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SunburnedinAsia

July 26th, 2008 at 16:40

Hey there,

I found your blog by mistake to but I have to say love it now. I’m also having a few issues with my Swedish bf. We have been dating since the middle of March and he came to stay with me in May for almost a mth. By the way, I met him online and some of the things here are so true I have to say but can anyone tell me what’s wrong with living together right from the start? I’m really confused about this and he is moving from Sweden to come and live in Asia with me but he insists on having his “own place”! Unfortunately, I have to accept it and see how it goes but he is sweet and we have been apart for almost 3 mths now and have kept in touch through emails and sms.

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Me

July 30th, 2008 at 13:25

Älska is used more as a verb as in ‘I love you’ = Jag älskar dig where as kärlek is ”love” for example they have great love for each other. You can’t say they have great ”älska” for each other. Hope that helps.

PS: It’s great having a viking of my own. Swedish men can be extremely charming when they want to be and really know how to sweep a woman off her feet by being the perfect gentlemen. They are very independent men and expect you to be the same. Sex is rather important and after a string of relationships…you can be pretty sure they’re good at it! Be prepared to shell out money every now and then as they like knowing they aren’t being taken for a ride and they totally believe in equality.

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Venezuelan Girl

August 17th, 2008 at 15:34

Hi… I just found your blog today, while looking for some stuff to read about Swedish men, and I must admit, I am HOOKED!
I am from Venezuela, but live in Miami now. I met my Swedish guy at work. We both used to work for the same company, and I started flirting with him. He no longer works there…
At first, I thought he had no interest – even though he took my invitations to social events a few times, met my friends and even my sister and cousins… however, he always kept texting me every other month… and about 1 month ago, it happened!
He came to my sister’s husband bday dinner, and after that we came to my apartment and he kissed me! I had no idea he liked me until then!
So the problem is, he’s divorced. He moved to the US for a woman and they just got a divorce 5 months ago. So i can tell he is even more afraid of commitment than others.
We never talk about our feelings or our relationship (if we have one). We have slept together twice, and in the last few weeks we’ve seen each other every week.. a lot of times b/c I ask him and plan it.
I am not sure how to behave. I don’t know if he is dating other women, are swedes players? or pretty monogamous?
I also don’t want to ask him or put pressure in the relationship… I want to be a bit more free-spirited with him… but I want to see him.
I would like for him to ask me, plan something romantic… you know? Should I ignore my latin need for chivalry and just keep asking him out?
Venezuelan girl is in love with a Swede… help!

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American Girl

August 30th, 2008 at 05:05

Hey! I am back to update I guess, things are going well since he went home, the future is looking swell. I bought my ticket to Sweden for December 6- January 4, so I am very excited to see him and experience the holidays there with his family, though I am not sure what to buy his family for gifting. I think I may buy my favorite books and give them to his parents since I know they like reading, and his father also loves Planters Dry Roasted Cashews that they don’t sell in Sweden, though I will have to try and sneak them by customs. Alex and I will also go to Barcelona, Spain as well while I am in Europe, and perhaps Berlin, Germany! I’m very very happy with him, and I dream of what it will be like to see him again, but in Arlanda Airport in Stockholm =D Our faces will just glow!

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english girl! well lady..

August 31st, 2008 at 15:13

Hi, i am a single mother recently divorced who has just moved to stockholm.Ok so am i writing in a desperate attempt to advertise myself? hmm probably but what i am findingis that men take one look then dont do anything about it,i am one of the more attractive mum type being 30 years old trendy slim blah blah.. but i get the impression men in sweden are shy.I have never in my life asked a man out,apart from maybe an odd drunk night where iv told a man how lovely looking he is,but thats rare.
It doesnt help that im fussy and reguarly drag to boys round with me too which unless i put a sign on my back for all the tube train passengers to see ‘im single’ I am at my wits end to what to do.In the uk and Spain where i have lived things are very different and men will try their luck if your pushing a pushchair or not,where can i find myself a nice man in Sweden??Help! p.s Not strictly limited to swedish ;)

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Mike

September 2nd, 2008 at 21:39

American women don’t go topless on American beaches where in most of Western Europe most ladies go topless.To make matters worse,they date multiple men and expect all the men to pay for them all the time! I hate it.In scandanavia most ladies pay for themselves and can go topless on the beach if they want to! American women are religious,50% going to church every week! I am not religious.They are crazy! I am not atheist but not fanatically religious!

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American Girl

September 3rd, 2008 at 12:12

Well Mike, interesting observations, some are true for some people, but not really the majority. Now I won’t go topless on a beach, you are correct there, but why does it matter if we don’t? I am not one bit religious, and that look at things is becoming popular. I have never dated more than one man at a time, I’ll stick with my Swede. With us usually one person pays the bill, we take turns, when we go places. I don’t know, but your generalizations don’t really match the people I associate with anyway, maybe you are looking in the wrong direction haha.

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gbg girl

September 14th, 2008 at 20:32

hi everyone!
This is so funny to read.
I´m 100% swedish.. I grew up in Gothenburg, the second largest city. At least half of my friends are mixed or immigrants( but very integrated). This is what Sweden looks like these days, at least the larger cities. If you run into a big group made out of people of only swedish decent you might wanna be carefull. Of course this group formation could just be a coincidence, but it can also be that they are a bit more “svenniga” than the rest of the population. My defenition of a “svenne” is a person who embraces all the bad, geeky sides of the swedish culture. If you where to date a svenne he would not pay for squat, he would never offer to pick you up or even walk you to the busstop.
I find that a lot of my friends, including the fullblooded swedish boys would absolutly pay on the first or the first few dates. When you are actually in a relationship- the rules change and it is more like taking turns. Another important thing I want to add is that we hardly ever “date” in sweden, not in the sense that you ask someone out.
Also I think it´s a bit exaggerated this discussion of the swedish girls being the ones making the first move. I have never picked up a guy, and I can´t think of a single time that any of my friends have either. Of course if I see a guy I like, I´ll flirt with him but he is the one who comes over- and swedish guys are not to shy to come over if you give them a glance. The big difference is that Swedish girls don´t play games. The French and Italian girls looove to play hard to get- this does not mean that they are;)
I lived in France for 2 years, and talking about chivalry France is the leading country. The french pay for everything, actually most of the time they´ll pay for you even if it´s just a guy you are friends with. But this is not the most important point, what I like is that the are polite and treat you like a women.
I´m currently living in Rome, and I can tell u that the myth about Italian men is so false. You get warnings of getting attacked…sure it´s a bit bella here bella on the street, but no more then anywhere else in southern Europe. The French, North americans, Brittish are more direct. The Italians are more simular to Swedes in their approach- stare, stare and stare but no action….maybe after a few more glasses. Also the Italians rarely pay, at least it´s not in their blood like with the French(I can only speak for the Romans, hear it´s different elsewhere in Italy)
I love Swedish guys in many ways; they are openminded, usually with a good sense of humour, good looking(not my type-but they are) and attentive.BUT I think they have isssues with girls haha…I have several friends who obviously like me, but they never acted on it, some of them I have known for years. Now, actually this is perfect for me because they are my friends and I want to keep it this way. But for Swedes it sometimes feels like a competition-who is able to hide their feelings the longest?
If anyone has questions, I´m here!

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Mike

September 28th, 2008 at 06:24

WOMEN IN THE USA EXPECT THE MAN TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING OR THEY WILL HAVE SEX WITH HIM OR HE IS FRIEND! iI HATE THE DATING SYSTEM HERE,.

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ladytron

October 13th, 2008 at 21:05

I’m an English girl and I’ve been in a “relationship” with a Swede for over a year now and I totally agree with about 90% of the things said in this blog.
It’s really funny how everyone is so spot on.

Swedish men are really quiet at first and take FOREVER to get anything out of them. It took me over 6 months for my guy to finally confess anything remotely romantic to me. They’re not like American men at all with their confessions of love and their insane acts of chivalry (I’ve lived in the US for some time). My guy has taken me out to dinner and paid for it but told me flat out that Swedish men don’t pay for anything because the women are into going halves on everything which was shocking but not terrible. I like that they want to be your friend and not just your lover, unlike brits and ozzie men. While they may not be bending over backwards to get your attention, I never got the impression that women were objects to them.

I guess the best thing abotu them is their dry sense of humour if you like sarcasm. Oh and it doesn’t help that they’re all amazingly gorg!

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Sapphire

October 14th, 2008 at 20:21

@American Girl- Looks like things are going well for you. Yay!
Keep us posted, good to hear other points of view.

@Mike- I agree with you partly. The American system is much more player oriented than the Swedish one. Not to say that Swedish asshats don’t exists, but the mentality is different.
As for the topless point, that stems to a much deeper issue of liberal views of people’s bodies. Europeans consider nudity as natural (hence few censoring on TV) while Americans do not.

@gbg girl- Sorry for a late response, but thank you for the great comment! Definitely come by more.

and finally…
@Venezuelan Girl- Girl, he’s just a general ass. Move on and find a better Swede. Harder said than done, but it is possible. Update us if you can.

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Lilly

October 19th, 2008 at 19:04

SO how can I get a SWEDIS GUY for God’s sake, I am an American living in Sweden I have been SMSing with a guy that I met in a club, A MONTH AGO, the night we met, we flirted (one peck kiss) and had a tentative date for the next day he SMSed two days later w/ a lame excuse, he has sort of invited me out but only with a few hours notice and I have never been able to make it, then when I put a fixed time, he couldn’t make it AHHH, is he dating other people, pulling my chain, waiting for me to SMS him that I am ready to skip the dating and go staight to his place? WHAT? What should I do.

Also this guy is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS, and a professional.

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Sapphire

October 23rd, 2008 at 13:02

@Lilly- He sounds … a bit dumb and uninterested. If anything, make it clear that you would like to see him again and set a date. if he blows it off, completely ignore his existence, he’s just slime.

remember, swedish slimeballs do exist.

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PreciousGem

November 5th, 2008 at 17:42

hi all,

I am a 26 years old new yorker woman. I came across this blog by accident when I was searching for Alexander Skarsgard. Something about him interest me so I started searching Swedes’ man culture. I am so glad I came to this site. Ok, So far I like what I read. Well, I like the fact that they treat their woman equally and that they show affection after making love.

Mike = I agree with you in some aspects. However, not all American woman are like what you just describe. I am from New York and you can say it’s one of the toughest city here. However, I know a lot of woman like myself who are very independent and do not rely on a man to pay for them. And in terms of being intimate, I think that it has nothing to do with who pay what. I think most of our women have sex because they feel the connection with that person not because of how loaded the man pocket is. And most women here do not go topless for many reasons. One because we call it private parts and it should stay private. Two it’s also because it’s illegal in most of the beach here to be nude. Third because a lot of women feels insecure on how they look naked.

American girl = have fun in Sweden. I’m sure they will like you just fine. Maybe he got a really hot brother or cousin for me hehehe.

Venenzuelan girl = As said here that Swede men do not like to talk about their feelings and they’re not the type to talk about relationship. I think that you should ask him where you stand. It’s always good know so you won’t expect much.

Ok I have few questions. Do Sweden people only prefer white, blue eyes, and blonde? I am half Asian and Spanish. My father is from Spain and my mother is Asian. So sort of like Enrique Iglesia except that I’m very light skin and brown hair. People say I look like Kelly Hu from Xmen (hehe lol). So any advise if I go to Sweden for vacation? I would like to see for myself if Swede men are really the way they are describe here.

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minerva

November 20th, 2008 at 15:34

Why my swede lad always need me to speak first, I mean he never send me a SMS till I send to him first, even though he replyed me warmly, it just too passive….and he explained he just become much shyer after severl dates and sex… Very Strange Swede

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R

November 26th, 2008 at 21:44

stumbled across here and ended up reading every single post. very compelling stuff =P

few questions:

1) what are swedish women like?
2) how different are norwegian men/women?
3) i’ve heard that women in sweden/norway/finland are the most likely to hook up after the first date?

also, PreciousGem – i enjoyed your post. i’m an asian american male in nyc in my mid-20’s. not particularly looking to date or get involved in a relationship, but love meeting cool, new, interesting people. would love to connect with you. do you have a facebook account?

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Mats

November 27th, 2008 at 15:10

@ PreciousGem
Unlike the myth, not everyone one in scandinavia are blond with blue eyes, far from it.

I think many guys in Sweden would find you attractive. But that’s not the problem I guess. (as stated in this blog post ;)

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Jessica

December 1st, 2008 at 17:17

minerva

I have the same problem with the swede I’m dating, usually I need to send him first a sms, and is the same in msn I need to talk first.

Seems is a normal behavior for some swedes.

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PreciousGem

December 4th, 2008 at 22:08

R = I do have a facebook but I’m rarely on it.. Do you have a myspace?

Mats = thanks.. I was just curious. I mean I really do not have no preference in terms of looks.. Maybe I’ll go visit Sweden next year summer..

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Cristina

December 7th, 2008 at 11:38

First of all: “I just love, love, love your blogg!!”
I’ ve never dated a Swedish guy, but I’m thinking of it.
This year I started working in tourism and saw the most gorgeous guys in my life (Swedish).
There was this one guy who looked like he just walked out of a fashion magazine (really model like) and he was a real flirt. I didn’t have the guts to ask him out or anything as It’s not my style.
Anyways, I just love the info people gave here and I’ll be checking this post regularly =)

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SwedishGirl

December 9th, 2008 at 10:15

Hi all,

Can you girls please tell me about American guys and their behavior?? That would be so helpful, because i can’t get them at all!!

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PreciousGem

December 16th, 2008 at 07:04

Hi SwedishGirl,

Ok here are some description of American man. Just to remind you below are only based on my experiences.

1) In terms pof one night stand that’s already a NO.. Of course any man in any part of the world would not turn it down.

2) Let them treat you like a lady.. They sort like to have this crazy ego like I’m the man of this house.. Let them buy you a drink, they you to dinner or whatever and try to connect to them mentally.. Men usually pays for the first date atleast. But it turns them on if you atleast offer to pay for some.

3) Of course if you have knowledge in the kitchen and stuff like that it’s always a bonus points. but if you’re not trying to marry the man then just act like yourself.

4) Also, since America is huge… Men from different state act differently also. Like New Yorker lets say since we are all mix here in term of origin, then you’ll find different attitude of men based on what country their parents came from. The Southern state, I really think they are gentlmen and very old fashion in a sense where they still believe that the man should be the bread winner of the house and the women should be home. California is totally different too… They’re more laid back and men or should I say people in general are just physically attractive..
5) Usually if they like you, they’ll call you again for a second date. And after that and after that. If they didn’t call you in a week or so then you should move on.

6) If you want a relationship with him then just act like yourself. Only you can tell if he’s interested because you can tell he always enjoy your company and you can hear from his voice.. If it’s just to new then just act like a friend.

7) Ok this might not only apply to American men, once you got to know him and you’re sure you like him and he likes you then maybe give him the best time of his life (aww sorry to be blunt).. Any guy would go crazy… And depending on the guy, if he’s sweet then cuddle with him. If he’s weird then act like nothing happened. They go crazy!!!

8) If you’re in a relationship with them act secure of yourself. Confidence is what makes us women sexy. If he wants to do something let him of course there’s always exception to the rules.

9) I should probably said this before anything else. When American men are interested, they will introduce themselves to you. Don’t just go up to them to give them your number because they will look at you as just a boodie call. Remember first impression last.

10) Don’t be afraid to express your emotion but be reasonable about it. Men likes women to stand up for her own beliefs. They think that’s hot…

Well, my advise is that for you to just act yourself. You don’t need to try to catch someones attention. Sometimes it doesn’t matter where the person is from. Goodluck and feel free to ask again… I’m more than willing to help…

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the brain

December 20th, 2008 at 17:00

This is an interesting conglomerate of cultural perspectives I must say. I am currently a student at a college in the united states and will be traveling abroad to Vaxjo University next fall and have some questions.

1. Are Swedish women open to dating Asian Americans? I have read on other sources that they are not, but don’t really believe it. Any swedish females that attend a university have input?

2. I’ll actually just take all the input I can about being an Asian American studying abroad. I was raised in the United States but being a minority, am more open to other cultures as opposed to my white peers. What do qualities do Swedish women look for in a potential date/boyfriend?

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Sh

December 21st, 2008 at 00:45

My boyfriend is a Swedish guy, but today he arranged his wallet, and I saw a condom inside. He doesn’t like to use a condom with me, but why he took one with him? I asked about it, he explained to me that the condom is just in case.
I don’t understand. What he did made me think that he woule like to meet a hot girl in case something happened.

If who can give advice?

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Foreign girl in Sweden

December 21st, 2008 at 22:52

I just came across this blog since I myself have certain questions and doubts about the mingling system in Sweden, but I must say…
How old are you, Sapphire? (i suppose you’re the ‘owner’ of the blog, excuse me but right now i am a bit tired).
I am very far from trying to be rude here, I just wonder if you’re very young…which would explain the general attitude.
For example, you post some interesting ‘tips’ on Swedish culture, which are the basics that everyone coming here knows, but then you post so many questions…Girl, you’re in SWEDEN!!! Why do you have to ask questions about the Swedish culture on a blog??
I myself had my own concerns and problems, as I mentioned, and I still have them, but hell! I asked Swedish people about them! I have Swedish friends, males generally, and talked to them and understood things…I think this would be a more effective strategy than asking people over the Internet…no offense, I repeat, I do not intend to be rude, just trying to help.
From my own experience and from what others told me, the ‘dating’ system here is extremely different, because people are different.
Swedish people are very friendly and respectful, but it ends here. They will always be great buddies, help with translating things, asking for info on the street, lend books, etc, but will most probably employ years to become friends with you. I know from my own experience. They need their own space, and see the so-called Mediterranean way of doing things (Italy, Greece, etc), like crying, overreacting, attaching too much to someone etc) literally useless.
In Sweden you have to make the first move, always, on a guy. I don’t know whether the Swedish girl who said she never hit on a guy actually dated Swedes and not immigrants.Yes, they look at you, and are terribly shy even when you approach them. Most of the ‘dating’ will occur after a one night stand or many weeks of fika. Don’t expect them to call the next 3 days- people here need their space.
Yes, they are gorgeously looking men compared to other countries and cultures. I lived for 3 years in Italy, I dated and had a relationship, so I know what I am talking about.
You can meet a guy for months, sleep with him, go out, etc, but unless you have discussed exclusivity don’t even consider it something, not even ‘dating’. It is NOT dating, it’s called ‘casual dating’ or ‘casual sex’ and that’s the way it is.
Trust me, this is what I am going through with a man right now…
And yes, they will be extremely open minded, hot, playful in bed. The man I am with made me feel things nobody ever has simply because his main interest in bed is also to give pleasure. And he falls asleep with me in his arms, cuddles, kisses and caresses my hair, when outside the bedroom he’s just flirting, giving me the look and smiling, this ONLY when he had a beer or two.
Swedish people aren’t alcoholics but alcohol is a part of their lives. Because the weather is bad, daylight is scarce and they are rather reserved people, weekends are seen as the privilege for debauchery, thus they will get drunk, have sex, etc. This is when they uncover themselves.
I also care about this man a lot…even though he is clearly not interested in more. Nevertheless, he does confusing things, such as calling me his baby and telling me he’s gonna miss me during the holidays (he lives in Northern Sweden and we work together in Stockholm)…and that he has no one else. Well…time will tell.
I myself am NOT trying to get answers from people who don’t know him or me, because in the Swedish case, only time will tell. I know this.
And another thing. Again, I do NOT mean to offend. BUT:
You said you are American. I kind of globetrotted myself a lot and I know the little prejudices shared by Europeans with respect to Americans. American girls are seen as being unattractive, uncaring with themselves (don’t do their hair, brazilian wax, dress up properly and wear a good perfume), rather ignorant (because of the schooling system) and just unpleasant presences.
Just think that if you ever go out with your hair dirty because it can happen, they will unconsciously say it is because you’re American. In general, US women are seen as less attractive than the European ones.
I myself can say, without false modesty, that I am an attractive woman (ok, i’m 22, so i’m maybe just a girl). I get looks evern on the street from Swedish men and some have even stopped me in shops in Stockholm to ask where I am from, because I look very ‘exotic’ to them- i have long wavy dark hair, light green eyes and light complexion. So I don’t look Swedish, but neither Middle Eastern or Italian. They mostly ask if I’m from Venezuela (compliment!). And still, even so, men sometimes seem to run away from me. Because they don’t want relationships with women who don’t understand their culture and start nagging them with phonecalls the next morning, when a Swedish girl departs from the idea that the guy is just a one night fling.
I suppose some people will say this is untrue about Swedish people. I live in Stockholm and I spend my time only with Swedish people, we go to places which are not frequented by immigrants, so on and so forth. This is my experience in Sweden, hope I didn’t make anyone feel bad or anything in the family.

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SwedishGirl

December 22nd, 2008 at 07:10

Ohh, thanx PreciousGem! You’re an angel!

The thing is that, we’ve seen each other for almost 2 months now. We met in Asia and both living here. I was clubbing with some friends and he came up to me and tried to flirt with me. i wasn’t really interested at first. Anyway, he got my number and the next day he wanted to meet. We hung out as friends for quite some time and then it got more serious. He says i’m a “rad girl”, “smart girl”, ” great girl” etc. I should mention he’s from California and that neither of us was looking for a relationship.

i know he’s seeing other girls and that’s cool with med coz i wanna keep it casual for as long as possible. Maybe that’s why i’m a bit cold with my feelings sometimes, because i don’t wanna show to much. I think both of us are just scared that it’s gonna get more serious and “complicated”, but we both like each other really much. That leads to our strange behaviour against one and another i guess.

What i find strange is how open he is with comments about girls. He talks to me about girls like i’m his male buddy or something. In sweden we don’t do that, unless we’re best friends. But me and him are more than friends.

He’s also very straight forward with his feelings. I’m like that sometimes and sometimes not. We swedish people don’t wanna show to much and seem klingy… especially in the beginning ;)

I can tell for sure that there is a big difference between Swedish guys and American guys :) swedish guys are much more “understanding”. American guys really needs to show he’s the man.

I think this was it for now. I didn’t think that Americans and Swedes were so different. Now i know… ;)

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PreciousGem

December 24th, 2008 at 20:18

Hi Swedish girl,

Oh wow. Your relationship is really something. I mean I’ve been there before. Actually almost exact relationship. My advice to you is to try to be honest with him. That’s sometimes the problem with this men here. I think he’s playing mind games with you because he do not want to look like he’s so crazy over you as well. Well, if you think you don’t want any more with him then leave your relationship just the way it is. But, you should set a boundary. You should tell him that you don’t need to hear about other women and what he do with them when you guys are together. Tell him it’s such a turn off. And also if he’s looking at other girls when you guys are together, try to pretend you don’t even see that he’s looking or you can be frank and tell him to not disrespect you like that. Well, I really hope it works out for you. Goodluck!

Oh now I would like to ask you a question. Does Swedish men only like Swedish girls? Or should I say, do they only like the Blondes and Blue eyes girls?

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SwedishGirl

December 25th, 2008 at 13:28

Yeah, we have a strange realationship. No it’s not that he is hitting on girls in front of me or anything like that but he is very open about other girls looks etc. We’re kinda in a “dating” stage right now so we are allowed to date others i guess. But now he’s been startint to call me “his girl”… it’s like everytime we’re getting seroius, we’re back to square one again. Haha, i know it’s weird. anyway, i guess i should just enjoy the ride and see what happens.

To your question… Oh no! Swedish men does not only like the blondes and blue eyes girls. I think many people believe that because it’s those girls who you see the most, and those are also the girls you associoate with “swedish girls”. Of course there are swedish men who prefers blondes with blue yes but there are also those who don’t. There are so many diferrent types of girls in Sweden.

My experience of what swedish men like is the girls who are socialy popular and has confidence. And when it comes to looks…. they like it when women has a style that she’s confident in dnd who always look fresh.

why did you get that impression that swedish men only like blondes and blue eyed girls??

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PreciousGem

December 26th, 2008 at 20:44

Swedish girl,

Hahaha lol.. I read that somewhere online that Swedish like to stick with Swedish. I am planning a summer vacation to Sweden with my cousin and she said that we should just go to London instead because she heard they might not like us in Sweden lol… I mean if that’s the case I really do not mind but I guess it will be fun to go somewhere you’re wanted hehe… I’m American but not the typical Blonde and blue eyes. My father is from Barcelona Spain and my mother is Filipino which they look more Spanish than asian. So I look different I guess.. People say I look like a combination of Kristen Kruek and Kelly hu from Xmen except that my eyes are really light hazel. I don’t know if you will call that pretty since beauty is in the hands of the beholder.

Anyway, he’s calling you his girl is a really good sign… How old are you? From the way you sound, it seems like you guys are really crazy for one another. I wish you goodluck. I really hope it works for you. Ok here’s another thing about American men, except for the fact about their male egos, they are also very devoted and they will take care of you physically and financially if you capture their hearts. American men are very generous. ;).

By the way if all Sweden guys look like Alexander Skarsgard, then I’m definitely going to Sweden whether they like me or not hahahaha (just kidding).

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SwedishGirl

December 27th, 2008 at 11:37

Haha, lol! No, that’s not true at all that swedish stick with swedish. In genereal Swedish people are very open to different etnicities and countries.

I know you would be very popular in sweden with your look. I’m myself half asian and swedish. A lot of swedish men enjoys girls who looks exotic. But of course, in the end..it’s about the whole package :)

You won’t get dissapointed if you visit sweden. Don’t get me wrong Alexander Skarsgard is hot….., but you’ll find much hotter guys in sweden. Except from that swedish men are hot they’re also real gentlemen if you capture their heart! They’re so understanding and caring.

If you really want to capture a swedish man, show him that you’re confident, funny, smart and independant. Just a little, don’t overdo it.

Yeah, me and my american are quite crazy about each other. I’m 25, so is he. But it’s hard though because we both live in asia and we don’t really know how long or if we’ll stay here. We enjoy our life here at the moment and i know he’s staying here longer because of us. Only 1 month ago he was supposed to go back home to america. Anyway, we’ll see. i’ll definetly keep you updated :)

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PreciousGem

December 31st, 2008 at 18:11

Oh wow.. thanks for your reply… Now I’m excited to go. Wow hotter than Alexander hmmm.. That would be something… I’m sure I will have fun… It’s kinda funny how I’m interested in Swedish men and you on the other hand have your American man… hehehe… Definitely keep me posted Swedish girl. You seem so cool.. I’m sure things will work out for you… By the way, are you going back to Sweden? Maybe when I come visit, I can buy you a drink or two. Oh yea email me sometimes and keep in touch.. My email is PreciousGem02@yahoo.com… Take Care girl.. By the way I’m Cecilia…

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Christian

January 12th, 2009 at 22:14

@PreciousGem:

If you do look anything like Kristen Kruek and Kelly hu from Xmen you would not have any problem getting a Swedish guy. ;)
Personaly I prefer “exotic” women. I like dark hair and dark eyes alot more than “scandinavian”..I guess you could say that my weakness is latina/spanish women. Scandinavian women are to boring. haha.

Just my two cents. =)

btw, if you´d like you can find me on Facebook if you want to know more about sweden. My name is Christian johansson and I´m wearing a “beanie” and holding a phone on my profile picture. =)

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mieoux

January 26th, 2009 at 06:40

My mom has been trying to get me to move to Sweden, but I’ve resisted partly because of the whether but a huge part is because want to get married and have kids and I’ve gotten the impression, not just from here alone, that Swedish people don’t value marriage or monogamy so I have been resistant. I am also put off by the idea of a guy who cannot express how he feels – how the heck are we going to have a relationship then if he can’t talk about his feelings? I really like hot guys though and I don’t want to have ugly babies so I’d rather have kids with a hot guy and I hear there are many of them in Sweden. Just looking from these posts I am feeling like my fear is being realized and that it’s very difficult to date and build a relationship with a guy in Sweden. And what about the passion? I am a very passionate person and I am also getting fearful that Swedish men might be cold fish emotionally. I am trying to reconcile that with the report of them being good in bed, I don’t see how good sex can happen for me if I am uncertain how the man feels about me and I don’t even know if were are in a relationship or not – I mean I might as well just use one of my dildos or vibrators.

Oh and to “foregin girl in Sweden”, you should visit New York City, you will be humbled and you may re-think your impression that American women are ugly. I lived in Europe and then I moved to a small town in the US and the women were decent looking, but since I moved to NYC I haven’t seen one single ugly woman, even the four fat ones I’ve seen have pretty faces. I am single and I tell you the competition in NYC is tough! I’ve seen women in the clubs who look better than the famous supermodels we know. I never thought that much about my looks but I thought I was doing pretty good, moving to New York City made me humble.

Leaving that aside I am really bothered by this impression I am getting that Swedish men don’t express their feelings, and dates are not really dates and that they don’t want to commit- how do you get the excitement from dating then, or don’t you? I do like the idea that it’s ok to approach guys in Sweden, here it seems like if you do you have just blown your chances, even if the guy would have liked you otherwise.

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admin

February 28th, 2009 at 23:18

@PreciousGem, @SwedishGirl, @mieoux, @Foreign Girl in Sweden:

How is it going? We’d love to hear updates!

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Sapphire

March 1st, 2009 at 12:05

@Foreign Girl in Sweden

First off, thanks for coming to the blog and writing a great, thought-out comment.

To answer some of your questions:
How old are you?
Some years older than you.

Why do you have to ask questions about the Swedish culture on a blog??
Why not?- By blogging, I can open up to the world thoughts, ideas and questions. If I ask Swedes questions, I can post their viewpoints so others have the opportunity to read in as well.

I think this would be a more effective strategy than asking people over the Internet.
I spend plenty of my time torturing my boyfriend, coworkers and friends about Swedes and dating…posting answers here means anyone and everyone can find it. God bless Google and the internet.

American girls are seen as being unattractive, uncaring with themselves …
Point taken, but that’s not me. I’ve lived across the US, Europe, and Asia. I’m a photographer and occasionally get in front of the camera as a model. I also have a BA from a big-ass univ that’s known to breed Nobel Prize winners, which hopefully makes me semi-intelligent.

Now, on to the points you make about Swedes. I very much agree with them; I think the readers would as well.

I have a couple questions for you. What do you mean by “he’s not interested in more?” In a relationship…??

Could you delve into some more European prejudices against Americans? Would be interesting to know.

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PreciousGem

March 3rd, 2009 at 18:01

*Admin – Sorry no update yet. I am still planning on going to Sweden this summer coming up and then maybe after that London.

*Christian – thanks, I will look you up at facebook. Sorry I haven’t been online lately.

*Foreign Girl in Sweden- I do not doubt that you are beautiful woman. I’m pretty sure you are but Mieoux is right you should come visit my hometown NYC. You would not believe your eyes. Everywhere you go here you will find someone as pretty as you or prettier.

By the way, I’m thinking of flying to Sweden on May or June. Can someone advise me the best night clubs/bars/restaurant to go to. And in terms of hotels, where should i stay? Do I need to rent a car or would they have transportation like the train or taxi? I appreciate your help.

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Sapphire

March 5th, 2009 at 11:24

@PreciousGem- Oooo! Are you coming to Stockholm or somewhere else? If you are coming to Sthlm, I could help you with a place to stay and those things.

@Christian- Didn’t see your post till now. You’re a riot, I will have to find you on Facebook too.

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PreciousGem

March 10th, 2009 at 14:32

Hi Sapphire,

Thanks.. I have no definite dates yet but I would really appreciate your help when I found out the exact dates. Do you have facebook too?

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Christian

March 11th, 2009 at 19:23

Sapphire – Please do! =)
I think PreciousGem just added me to (atleast I think it´s her)

Always fun with new friends!

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Niklas

March 12th, 2009 at 11:36

Hey there!

I’d like to answer your list of questions as I always find gender-based issues completely fascinating, and I am Swedish. So here:

1. Yep. To dissect the issue, what would a “no” entail? For an asking woman to polarise into a social outcast? To be stoned in public? :-) By the way, judging from your way of asking, I’m answering your questions from a heterosexual viewpoint.
2. This expectation doesn’t apply in Sweden; not in Stockholm, anyway.
3. One person asks another to meet somewhere, and romance is involved at some point. Chemistry.
4. Swedes most often don’t date more than one person at a time. This is probably a big faux pas in Sweden, unless you’re open about it, in which case I think the person who wanted to date others besides you would viewed as a tramp of sort.
5. I don’t know. I’d imagine being asked involves less nervousness on your part, than asking, so I guess most people would prefer being asked than asking.
6. No.
7. See number 3. Nothing changed, other than what’s involved with seeing another person a second time.
8. People text – or “SMS” as Swedes put it – a lot. Back and forth. A lot of people have remarkably substituted calling for texting, I’ll say.
9. In a dating context, I’d say in bars and through the Internet. Otherwise through friends and work.

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PreciousGem

March 12th, 2009 at 17:34

Christian Hi! What’s the name of the girl who added you? I added a Christian from Sweden but the name you gave me seem so popular that it gave me about 400 guys with the same name. I’m not sure if I added the right person.. Let me know ok…

Sapphire – What month would be best to visit Stockholm? I would prefer the hottest month hehehe.. I’m so tire of old man winter..

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Study Abroad

March 27th, 2009 at 19:15

I’m an american student who plans on studying abroad in Sweden at Vaxjo University next fall.

1.My questions is what is the dating culture like at the universities?
2.What exactly is it that swedish girls value in a relationship or look for in a partner?

Any advice for an american male going to study abroad will help. Please advise.

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joanna

April 8th, 2009 at 11:22

I am an italian girl who met recenty a swedish guy. We both live in stockholm.

We started dating and he used to text me almost everyday. He would never suggest to meet up, just texted to check what I was doing at the moment and If i wasnt busy then he would propose to see each other.
After the 3rd date we started to do itt and then slowly he sttopped contacting me everyday, still I get his sms but they are more spaced and less than before. Normally i dont start the contact and let him do it. If I tell him i am busy, he goes mad until he knows what I am doing and who with. I feel I want more, but I am not sure if he is just cold and swedish-type or it is just he doesnt have any interest in me in which case i will move on before hurting me more.

If i text him, he always replies. If I dont text him for a while, he always ends up contacting me sooner or later, so I keep holding the hope he has some type of interest.

Any advise from any swedish guy around?

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The Cure

April 13th, 2009 at 00:32

Hello Everyone! I must say, reading all your comments has been most enjoyable :)
Well, here’s an interesting situation – I’m a 27yr old white male that’s recently moved to Sweden from South Africa. I know that this conversation is mainly about Swedish guys but was just wondering if any of the Swedish girls out there could help a young man out with some advice when it comes to dating Swedish women.

If you’d like to add me on Facebook, just search for justinhu@mweb.co.za and you’ll find me.

Take care and best of luck with all your matters of the heart! :)

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Mr_SwedishGuy

April 23rd, 2009 at 17:24

Amazing website! I myself has lived in Canada for 3 years! I just moved back to Sweden, im 20 now, and noticed that North american parents are so overprotected about their girls! Cheeze! Its like this gf I had, she had a twin brother, he could basically do whatever he wanted as for her, when I “Dated” her ( How stupid isn t dating in north america? Picking them up at the door, have a chat with the dad while the girl is up getting dressed, not allowed in her room OMFG I HATED NORTH AMERICA THAT)

Anyhow, I belive north american parents have a weird gender prespective, they don t treat their kids equaly, boys are allowed to do more girls less, thats how it is! Sqrew that I LOVE MY SWEDEN – Mitt hem min värld min kultur! :)

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NINA

May 10th, 2009 at 23:17

Can anyone help me work out my Swedish dilema???

So I met him 2 years ago…he chased me for ages and ages…I wasn’t serious, I’d get with him then leave it! Then I started liking him and put lots of effort in and he just stopped replying!

Two months on from this – he’s back cos I missed him so much I had to see him! He says he misses me too (under the influence of alcohol) you can’t get anything out of him otherwise! But what if he goes weird again! He know I was very angry with him!

Please help…do I bother trying to work him out???

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Prince_of_Darkness

May 11th, 2009 at 12:06

Hello

I have ran into this site by accident
I am from California visiting Dubai and planning to take a trip to sweden and other scandinavian countries.

just wondering………….
where are some good places to meet single swedish women in stockholm and what’s the best way to approach them?
are sewdish women open and receive men from other countires other than their own kind?

///prince of darkness

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Nomadic Canuck

May 20th, 2009 at 09:35

Wow! I have actually just been scouring the net to learn anything about Sweden and the culture that I can as of recently. This site is so amazing and so great to see everyone’s point of views.

Come August I am going to be moving just outside Malmo. Some of this information is very exciting and some is slightly concerning. I have a few questions if some people could throw out their input.

1. Most of this info seems to be coming from a northern point of view. Is Malmo going to be much different than Stockholm? I.e. is there a big cultural difference between Sweden’s regions?

2. I am Canadian, and while I do not think I am unattractive or uncaring of myself, we do pride ourselves on our natural beauty. I don’t wear much make-up and like to keep my clothing casual and modest. Haha, should I be doing an extreme makeover before I make my move?

3. Also, is everyone REALLY as cold and reserved as its coming across? Finding someone to date (or I guess ‘not date’ as that seems taboo in Sweden) would be wonderful. But I am wondering more if I am even going to be able to make friends? Although I am very outgoing and independent, I am coming over by myself, and will not be part of any organized group really where even ‘forced’ friendships might form. Will Swedish reserved behaviour make it impossible to find true friends?

4. Finally, I am going to be working with limited funds. While I have never expected any man, anywhere in the world to pay for me; I would be lying if I didn’t admit my social life has been rescued by the generosity of Canadian men who would rather buy me a drink than have me sit home on a Friday night. Is there the occasional flexibility on this fund withholding? Or should I be packing lots of books to keep me company on weekends?

Anyways any answers or other info on Southern Sweden would be lovely. I hope everyone is well! Cheers from Canada :)

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Pontus Olin

May 27th, 2009 at 21:18

@Nomadic Canuck:

1. I’ve actually never been to Malmö myself but that region is generally thought of as more easy-going and laid back than that of Stockholm.

2. I can’t speak for all swedish men, but I definitely don’t think you need a makeover! :-) I know many swedes who, like me, prefer women who don’t use too much makeup. It is however common for people to dress up a bit when they go out friday/saturday night. How much depends on the place and the reason for going out, I’d say. You’ll see for yourself. :)

3. We may be slightly more reserved than you’re used to. One tip I can give is that most swedes are pretty shy and don’t always initiate first contact. So be proactive – ask us first!

Another good tip is that if you’re meeting people for beer/drinks in the evening, ask them if they’d planned on having a “förfest”, an informal and spontaneous pre-party party that’s commonly held in someone’s apartment. The custom of having a few beers at home with friends before going out arose because of the expensive alcohol in bars. Being at the same förfest before going out is a great way of getting to know people.

Another common way for swedes to meet, outside work and bars, are by one of the many clubs/organisations. We love those and get money from the government just for starting them. So try to find a club/organisation for something you care about. It could be kayaking, games, books, movies or whatever…

If you’re not interested in that, there’s a regular meetup for Malmö internationals which could be worth checking out: http://www.meetup.com/malmo-internationals/. Another good resource is http://www.xpats.nu/. And finally, join Twitter! :-) Just for starters, there’s a Malmö TweetMeetup regularly where all that’s required is for you to have a twitter account really. Here are two expats I know of who are on twitter and live in Malmö: http://twitter.com/maydbs & http://twitter.com/Lostinsweden. And here is the link to the latest TweetMeetup in Malmö (they’re just getting started.): http://www.tweetmeetup.com/2009/04/malmo-tweetup-3/.

4. We do buy drinks for girls we like, but far from always and it doesn’t mean we don’t like you if we don’t. However, you can’t really plan on getting by a whole night without paying for some drinks though. If you have limited funds, do like us – buy a couple of beers and try to find a förfest. At a förfest, it’s also often easy to get free alcohol, just by asking. Many times we overestimate the amount we can drink before we have to leave so there’s usually plenty to go around. :)

Phew, that turned out quite long. Hope you’ll have a great time in Sweden. :P

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allhis

May 28th, 2009 at 08:09

I’m 30 and so is my Swede. Ive been talking to my Swede now for a few months online and on the phone. It has been very progressive. I was the one that had found him online and added him to my list thought nothing of it until a few months later when he started messaging me back and forth at first it was a few words back and forth I was sending. I really didnt want anything to do with another long distance realtionship. But as time went on we started talking about everything and anything and I found I started telling him all kinds of things about my life and how i felt and everything like that. Oddly I see myself in how he is sometime. I find normally im the one to fall fast and hard for people and hes a step ahead of me. He did touch on the topic that a lot Swedes are not opposed to marriage, but marry until they have been dating for sometimes many years. And of course I made ligth of it and joked around about him them being realtionship affobic. ( He knows i am joking as i sated that and i was married for 2 months to a guy that later cheated on me so marriage right away isnt that important to me anyways). But he also stated earlier on that if it were him it wouldnt be a set time just whatever felt right. And has even since mentioned marrying me and that hes not kidding about anything he says to me but is very serious. Maybe I have the exception Swede? As it didn’t take him long to know what he wants at all. Maybe its is perhaps how very honest ive been about everything in my life and all my feelings towards things that are happening and have happened. I know he has told me that he is sick of dating the pretty bitchy ones. I myself am not at all a bad looking girl but perhaps from what i have read here i better understand what is meant by that if Swedish women are so beautiful he sees something in me that he doesn’t see in the girls he has met. He even went to asking if all canadian girls were like me not so bitchy and so open and honest. Which I said no its not the country many are everywhere but its not who i am. I havent met my Swede yet but hes set on coming to see me next month this is very exciting for both of us i feel ike am am also walking on the clouds and no matter what and messages and calls me all day long. Hes always calling me “honny”, has mentioned hes even told his friends and his father about me and telling me hes falling for me and nothing matters except us. Maybe I have even a step up all the great things and then the already willingness to be serious with me. I can’t wait until next month we are both crazy about eachother. Long distance SUCKS ! Is my Swede worth one more shot at long distance? Yes.

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riddarhusetboylover

May 28th, 2009 at 13:04

I think alot of it depends on the guy, his family background, his social background and LAST BUT NOT LEAST, the women he has dated in the past. Both of my last two long term relationships with Swedes (they were serious, wanted kids with me, etc.) the fellows approached me like American men. It helps that both were from well to do Swedish families and had attended professional/graduate school in America. Let’s face it, people from higher income brackets tend to be more conservative and more knowledgeable about formal manners. For instance, one thing I loved about my Swede is that he’d stand and acknowledge me when I approached the table when we were out for Dinner!! So romantic and very “old school”. Also, he would call to make sure I got hope safely (another score). The first Swede I dated, “invited” himself to my house for dinner. If I recall, his exact words were “So, can you cook?!”, “When are you going to feed me”. I must admit, I loved his gumption. I knew he’d never ask a Swedish woman that. But I also knew he was a risk taker; any man willing to ask a woman that on a first date was going to get a first date for me!! In fairness to him he came with a lovely gift and showed me with compliments about the meal and waited for 1 hour (if you ask me about being tardy while you wait for me, my response will always be “it’s a woman’s perogative…”). Important to note is that this guy’s ex Sambo was not Swedish and so I know he’s been “spoiled” by her. The other Swede I’d dated was an Ivy League, with upper east side exposure and his ex was a catholic chick who grew up in Orange County. Needless to say he too had dated more “traditional” or “conservative” women.

To be honest with you, in my experience interacting with successful Swedish men married to foreign women, these kinds of guys find American women (or Italian, Spanish, even well-educated Asian, African or Eastern European women) a dream come true.

They feel they can be “themselves” around such women and not be labeled as sexist, oppressive cavemen. As my ex once said, “I love it how I am the man and you are the woman in our relationship”. Another wonderful thing about these guys is that they so respected and valued the seriousness with which I took intimacy and as one of them put it “it’s so refreshing to know women like you still exist”.

The wonderful thing from my end was that even being “conservative” by Swedish standards they were still Swedes after all. Things like taking care of the dishes, or being comfortable with an ambitious woman, were a no-brainer. As for their end, they marveled at their luck with getting a grad school educated, ambitious woman who was also – in many ways – as traditionally-minded as your typical Italian house wife. We both had our double standards and it worked out. I personally have no problem with double standards as long as they both work out. And, as I have matured, I accept the fact that I am not interested in giving up some of the advantages women enjoy due to chauvanism and sexism. I like having my cake and eating it too. I only had *one* dating experience with a miserly Swedish bastard who expected me to pay on a first date. Needless to say it didn’t lead to a second.

I like Tiffany and Cartier, Edsbacka Krog, Gondolen, having doors opened for me, emotionally and financially generous men and my spirituality is important to me (another thing they loved, esp. my “secular spirituality” i.e. no bible thrashing), I don’t do it outside of a VERY serious relationship and having dated American women they knew about the “no kiss on the first date rule” – lol-ing here.

In turn, they loved having a girlfriend who really “pampered” them and who they knew was unabashedly loyal, faithful, ambitious, entrepreneurial and didn’t yell out “capitalist pig!!” because they had that fire and desire to be a word class professional and to live well materially.

Finally, I have to say they were also quite impressed by my commitment to philanthropy as in my opinion not alot of Swedish women who date well-to-do men have the kind of commitment to social justice and activism that you may see their American counterparts have. They are mostly interested in getting boob jobs and popping bottles at The White Room or Stureocompeniet.

I would recommend any non “feminist” slightly traditional American or non Swedish woman go for a “traditional/conservative” Swedish guy. They will love your old fashion values. You’ll love having a guy who pampers you yet still has that progressiveness surrounding gender issues that even “conservative” Swedish men have.

They’ll be bragging for days about how you made them breakfast in bed and look like A GOD to their mates.

You’ll be bragging to the girlies back home about the successful guy you dated who pampers you, showers you with gifts and yet still gets angry over sexist comments other men make and who willingly shares household duties and is absolutely comfortable with the bit of Alpha-female you have in you when it comes to your career!

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riddarhusetboylover

May 28th, 2009 at 16:50

Oh, I forgot to add another key point about family and career. I do recognize the type of fellow I’m describing above is not your *typical* Swedish man. But then again, if you are not a typical person, you should care less what the “average” Swedish guy or girl thinks because you want to date – marry – outliners.

And let’s call a spade a spade. Alot of Swedish women sometimes get upset when the man they lived with for 5 years marries the foreign woman – often American – he’s known for 6 months. It’s not about “snagging” a man. It’s about the fact that – to hell with that! I don’t know what kind of upbringing you had mate, but my Dad and brothers always told me, “who’s going to buy the cow is the milk is free!” Yes, even a Swedish friend of mine from up North said “that’s true!”. Of course he said it to me because he knew I wouldn’t slap him and call him a sexist. A woman has every right to say to a man, “listen, I am not interested in devoting myself spiritually, mentally, physically and financially without a commitment”. Yes, I recognize that alot of women don’t want marriage. But I find alot of Swedish lie to themselves claiming “oh those American women are always talking about marriage, they are obsessed!” Yet, they secretly feel jealous and angry when the guy that refused to commit to them commits to a foreign woman.
I think the far left feminists in Sweden have done a generation of Swedish a SEVERE disservice. Sexism dictates what a woman can or can’t do….
It’s just as sexist to say to a woman “you shouldn’t want a commitment of marriage or to be a stay at home wife/mother” as it is to say to her “your ONLY job is a wife and mother”. A woman should be allowed to do WHATEVER THE BLOODY HELL SHE WANTS…

Which brings me to the bit about careers and successful Swedish women. If you ever connect with alot of the women in the American Women’s club of Stockholm you will see what I am referring to. Alot of their husbands felt so grateful to have a smart, intelligent, risk-taking woman to support the kind of dreams, plans, goals etc they had for themselves that the average non-risk-taking pessimistic Swedish woman would totally leave them for.
What?! Take your stock market money and start a business then quit your good job at Skandia/Saab/Ericsson/INSERT NAME HERE.

Also when it comes to family, the kind of Swedish fellow I am describing here, do to his more traditional background, will be so appreciative that you make an effort to develop a relationship with the members of his family – esp. his mom, sisters, etc.

The typical Swedish woman has the attitude “um that’s your family not mine” and we American women really make a big deal of presenting ourselves formally and well to a man we really care about. We want his loved ones to feel that he’s met a suitable woman who’s very supportive of him and will support the traditional values he was raised with.

Finally, let me say a few last things. They say that abstinence is the best aphrodisiac (lol). If you are very liberal, very left of center, please take note: THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU.

But, if you happen to be more traditional or whatever, know that if you meet the kind of guy I am describing here (and they do exist they are just in hiding because they don’t want to be called capitalist scum or sexist pigs!!!) he will respect the decisions you make about intimacy. He’ll know you are not cold, you are not a prude and you are not using sex as a tool for manipulation. You just take your time with your heart and your body and don’t want to buy every coat you may try on (if you know what I mean…). Trust me ladies, I never, ever felt so empowered, treasured and inspired until I started dating conservative/traditional Swedes. So, I’d say, just write a list of what you really want in a guy and affirm it and it really would work. I mean for goodness sake who’d of thought these kinds of guys would exist in Scandinavia of all places! They will be 200% times happier to find a woman like you in Sweden than you will be to meet them. Only it will seriously seem kind of “weird” when a guy you’ve dating for a month starts saying stuff like “you are the kind of girl I want to marry” or “you would make a great mom”. Especially after all the talk you probably heard about how non-committal or non-emotional Swedish men are. And as I said, these are men from solid families with international credentials!

So, go for what you want and know you can have it……

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Nomadic Canuck

June 8th, 2009 at 20:02

@ Pontus Olin

Wow! Thank-you so much. That was a fantastic response. My move date is slowly creeping closer, I cannot wait! And responses like that make me feel all the more comfortable :)

I think your “forfest” is the equivalent of our pre-drink. While prices are not quite as high in Canada, pre-drinks are a pretty much assumed event for young Canadians going out for a night on the town. It is a good way to save money, enjoy friends, and “warm up” for the night’s festivities. My only question is this: Generally our pre-drinks are amongst close friends, I am thinking it would be hard to know/be invited to soemthing like this in Sweden, because I will not have close friends when I get there.. Do you have thoughts on this?

Thank-you SO SO SO much for the links and twitter contacts you gave me. That is just great. I would love to know a couple people, or activities before I get there. The organizations sound rad. I am a very active person and I love groups, activities, teams, etc. I think those links should help a lot :)

Are you living in Sweden now? Whereabouts are you, if you don’t mind me asking?

Hope everyone is well! This forum has been so helpful! 64 DAYS!! Wooo!!

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Yvonne

June 16th, 2009 at 07:53

I am moving to Sweden soon, Gothenburg and this is all scaring me. I dated Norwegian men and that was confusing as hell…Swedes seem even more confusing.

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Sapphire

June 16th, 2009 at 17:34

@Yvonne – I would say they’re all confusing but from observations, Norwegian and Icelandic boys are even more confusing than Swedish guys. They’re all quiet and sky though!

But I think you will be okay.

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allhis

June 20th, 2009 at 06:30

waves i’m canadian and i’m moving to gotland
I cant wait to get “home” as he calls it for me . to him awwwwwwwe ..

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Erik

July 3rd, 2009 at 20:27

I’m leaving for Sweden this summer after being away for almost a year. Being from Southern California and being lucky enough to experience the Swedish dating scene has definitely left me extremely uninterested in American girls. They just don’t compare by any metric.
There’s lots more I’d like to say, but its sufficient to say I’m going to have a lot of fun in Stockholm.

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Nicke - swedish man

July 5th, 2009 at 11:51

Haha!!
What’s up with all these rules/systems??
I’ve lived in Los Angeles for 7 yrs but now I’m back home in Stockholm…
Over there as well as here I think it all comes down to just be comfy with yourself & just show who you are… I’ve never ever tried to follow all these systems & crap…oops sorry my language…

Niklas

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Laura

July 7th, 2009 at 18:10

Isn’t it amazing that this blog post is still generating comments?! I wish the Swedish men who post here and who have spent time in English-speaking countries would expand upon the cultural differences they have experienced dating (or whatever people are calling it these days) in both countries. I find their perspective fascinating.

I’ve never been to Sweden or dated a Swedish man, but Sapphire’s description of how Swedish men behave in social situations with the opposite sex reminds me of a Swiss man I know. Perhaps this is more a European than Swedish thing? (Although, on second thought, I’ve also dated a Dutch man who was not shy in the least. Very aggressive and extroverted in his pursuit, actually. Made the first overture, was happy to wine and dine me, loved playing the gentleman, etc, and all without the need to become enebriated first. So, maybe not.)

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Tracy

July 29th, 2009 at 05:13

Hi guys I’m a Canadian Girl (Calgary, Alberta)Yahooo! coming your way this Christmas and New Years. I have some question where is the best place to party on New Years in Stockholom? This might seem strange but i look back to all the men i have been attracted too and they have always been tall, blonde hair, blue eye men, so i figure I might as well go to the source and plus it’s an excuse to travel abroad.

What are the chances of running into Alexander Skarsgard… hmm i wonder:)

Thanks

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Tracy

July 29th, 2009 at 05:20

Oh I forgot to ask what do Swedish men think of Canadian Girls?

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MxGirl

July 30th, 2009 at 23:06

I have also another question
What do Swedish men think about mexican girls? ;)

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Jessica

July 31st, 2009 at 18:11

@MxGirl: Swedish men like latin girls, I’m mexican, and when I was living there I met a swede and we still keep in touch. Just remember that they are not like latin guys. Usually if you like a swede you have to make the first move.

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MxGirl

August 1st, 2009 at 15:28

@Jessica:
Thanks for the advice. I met a Swede more than a year ago, we speak nearly everyday but by Internet. The problem is the distance. We live more than 400 km in Sweden, so its hard sometimes. Actually he made the first move but its really a shame that we dont live near.

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Berenice

August 2nd, 2009 at 04:25

Hi everyone (again)
After reading I have found out my fiancé is one of those caveman swedes, and I just love it. I am mexican so I suppose I am more into traditon and family, just like him. BUUUUT (why is there always a but?) He doesn’t want to marry yet, I mean we are engaged and we are about to move in together, but no plans for wedding so far.
Is that bad? I want to marry him of course but I don’t want to push him. Does that mean he is not taking me serious enough?
I am changing my life, my career, my family…just to be with him and start our life together. Should I ask for more commitment then?
Please someone…

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MxGirl

August 2nd, 2009 at 14:03

@Berenice

Hej Berenice, for how long have you been with him? I guess its a step moving out together, then you can spend more time with him and get to know each other in a different way, then you will see if you are really into each other. Maybe you will spend some years living in the same place before marriage (I dont want to disappoint you or make you feel bad but thats the way normally works in Sweden). Thats very common, from my point of view you should try some time to live with him before ask him more commitment, just give him some time and to see how everything goes, but dont push him. I dont think he is not taking you seriously but for him must be way too normal to move together and then if so ask for marriage.

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Jessica

August 3rd, 2009 at 18:36

@Berenice:

Well in Sweden is really common to move together and after some years to get married, but there’re people that stay engaged forever and never get married. You should talk to him about this and tell him that you would like to get married, maybe not now but in some time.

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Michael

August 18th, 2009 at 21:46

this is quite an informative post, thx alot. i guess iwon’t have as many problems in dating things as you guys do, since i’ve never been on a date before and i’m gonna get it started here in stockholm.
any way that littl thing that girls show you the first green line is so cool, i mean you could just relax and wait for a sign then if you like the girl so here we go otherwise no,thx! haha

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Michael

August 18th, 2009 at 21:59

let me bring up another thing a little different though!
The other night i was (Sat night.) i was on a train heading back home when some beautiful girl started flirting with me in swedish and she was waisted . i told her i didn’t speak swedish ironically she took it as a green light and started fondling. oh jesus that felt so good ! but as i consider doing a move on a smashed girl is just not right i did nothing but then i’ve got it that swedes don’t have sex unless they’re drunk, so what the hell i’m supposed to do!

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Ronny

September 13th, 2009 at 22:39

Michael

Forget to meet someone in Sweden. I have not been on a date since the year of 2000. I wish I had the american system in hand. It would be easier to be a man.

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Andreas Andersson

October 14th, 2009 at 02:18

hi, i’m a swedish guy from Halmstad in sweden i’m 19 years old and i find you intressting so i will wrote my e-mail at the and off this comment.

1. Is it acceptable for women to ask men out?
– of course it is, but it’s more often the man that does it,

2. Do men expect women to ask them out or vice versa?
– hmm it depends, but it’s almost the guy who asks for a date :)

3. What is the Swedish version of a “date?”
-hmm the perfect swedish date is like : ake her to the cinema or go to a resturant or just watch a movie at home with some whine and talk to se if there is a sort of connection.

4. Do Swedes date more than one person at a time before settling down with one person?
– hell no or some people do but then they are are called “players”

5. Do men prefer that women take the lead (i.e. make the moves)?
– nah maybe somtimes but not usally :P

6. Does it really take forever for people to get married in Sweden?
– no not forever, but we like to be enganged for a year or 2 first, but not evrybody =)

7. How does a second date work?
that’s tottaly depends of how the first date ended (don’t get me wrong)

8. What’s with the text messaging?
-it’s easy and evrybody else does it, i don’t really have a good answer for that one, it’s just something we do :)

9. How/where do Swedes meet?
-at partys, by friends,school,internet,

you will have to excuse my english it’s not the greatest but i whope it will couse i love it =)

well my e-mail is “a_ndrea-z_king at hotmail.com” my MSN is the same adress =) have a nice day // Andreaz

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MB

October 17th, 2009 at 09:27

Okay here is my situation:

I really have fallen hard for this swede who is here in the states studying. I introduced myself and in a very casual // friendship manner and had dinner w. him at the cafeteria here @ school 2xs. As of now i am pretty sure he thinks i am jsut some nice girl.. He is a bit older 10 yrs.. is that a problem for them? i am 21 .. btw. I think about him often and want to make a move, but am afraid of coming off annoying or weird. Fish or cut bait? Any advice on how to drop the hint that I like him? Have I done enough already? I know that he is shy and sometimes when I see him he looks down.. instead of meeting my eyes! ahh i am going crazy! I am used to guys always liking me and this is so crazy that he is acting like this!

Please HELP

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MB

October 22nd, 2009 at 06:57

O btw.. this is taking place at a fairly conservative Christian college in California. I know he is politically far left of center and may not be interested in someone who is the product of capitalism ( ahha dont worry am not a right wing bigot) just how elitist are most Swedes? Would I be considered far beneath him as an American? And are there characteristics Christians in Sweden have that I should be aware of?

thank you in advance for ANY advice. i am a bit desperate in this situation.

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Jen

October 22nd, 2009 at 10:01

I know the frustration of trying to figure out what seems to be a common question, what is going on with my Swede? I am Canadian and had met my Swede on line and we have been talking and romancing eachother for a while. Our conversations changed from being frequent small messages to fewer but very long conversations. Work has gotten busy for him and understandably we haven’t spoken for a while and so I sent a missing you letter. Now i’m concerned that I still haven’t heard anything back and so now im considering maybe I was too poetic or direct, What if I terrified him with such a direct letter and if I did terrify him how do i undo what was done? So confusing, any advice I could use it.

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MB

October 24th, 2009 at 18:03

ahahh wow I’ve been waiting for someone to reply to my posts but Jen, if you’ll take any advice I’ll try:

Just in the past year I had two friends do the same thing you did… message someone that you’re interested/miss them/ want to give a go.. etc.

One of them didn’t hear back for 3 months.. and the other is still waiting ( and driving herself a little insane meanwhile)

I would honestly move on – at least for now to avoid over analyzing, giving yourself a headache.. WASTING TIME

but hope it works out nonetheless.

guys do not like that pressure i think.

: D

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Jen

October 24th, 2009 at 23:16

Thanks for the advice MB that was how I was kinda feeling about things, you know move on and stop driving myself crazy. Then it turns out, I finaly hear from him,he was super busy and got my letter, loved it and because he didn’t hear anything after(get this) I was driving him just as crazy as he was driving me. So were both broken in the head and perfectly happy now. Great idea, talked about what might be happening if communication slows again ei.work,screwy internet,broken fingers. I liked your fish or cut the bait? lol, I think fish, never know what you might land!

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MB

October 25th, 2009 at 09:45

wow i am so happy for you! : D o the irony of him thinking that of you ahah
hope things work out for you two, really. update us here . .. this interesting i think.

yeah i think i might as well fish.

i asked 2 guy friends what to do and they advised that subtly isnt always the best.
i mean .. if you REALLY like someone the burden is on YOU. and you can’t really hope that he is going to chase you just cause you’re being nice.
one of them who was married at one time admitted that he was only ever w. his wife b/c she really found him attractive.. wanted to be with him AND made it known. he said that the #1 thing that makes him attracted to someone hands down is if they find him attractive/desirable. which reminded me of John Edwards and his mistress who he left his wife w. cancer for cause she said he was “hott” !!!!!!! wtf ? . .anyways.. he is irrelevant now . .we are talking SWEDES . which btw really do have it figured out politically.

so now i just need to muster up some courage, proper wording, and humility cause this could be an esteem buster o geez. keep you posted : )

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Simon

October 25th, 2009 at 22:40

For Tracy, if she ever happens to pop back on here, this link might be of us, I’m coming over for New Years Eve too myself from the UK!

http://goscandinavia.about.com/od/annualeventsinsweden/qt/newyearevestock.htm

I’ll agree with a couple of earlier posts, how about advice for us blokes from abroad about dating a Swedish girl, all the do’s, don’ts and general viewpoints – we need them too!

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MB

October 26th, 2009 at 08:37

o hey ( don’t even know if anyone is reading mine ahha ? ?)
i just discovered from a discreet source that while although he is not opposed to younger girls – there is the whole maturity/lack of adult identity issue which I assume will be working against me.
It makes perfect logical sense so … I think i’m done for : ( can’t exactly transition into a successful adult stat.
any ingenious ideas? aha h

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Sapphire

October 26th, 2009 at 16:05

@MB – I’m reading yours although I am slow at responding sometimes. Have you gone out with him, just the two of you? I would go out for a casual dinner (i.e. not a date where he pays or you pay all), just something fun and light. That way you guys can chat. And to prove you’re more mature than just 21, this is the best time to have real conversations.

Remember Swedes are a people of few words, so have some serious discussions with him, like: How do you compare the US and Sweden politically? What do you think of the health care bill? What do you think of religion and politics in Sweden? Not only will you have a real discussion, you’ll know a lot more about his views.

@Jen – Hang tight dear. The distance is a big issue for you guys. First you need to establish if you are in fact ‘together’ or just in internet love. Because, don’t put the rest of your love life on hold if you guys are not really together/dating.

@Simon – I’m on it! I will ask some girlfriends about dating foreign men and put something together.

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Simon

October 27th, 2009 at 00:46

Thanks Sapphire, will look forward to that and seeing what views/opinions/advice is put forth!

FWIW MB, I’d second the advice you’ve been given there by Sapphire – I’m in my early 30’s myself and at least for me what’s important is that any girl I’m looking to go out with and possibly a relationship is that she is mature in herself and just as importantly that she wants the same things that I do over the next several years, or ten years, so it might be worth just seeing what his outlook on the next part of his life is and go from there – hope that’s of some use!

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MB

October 27th, 2009 at 01:51

simon and sapphire .. thank you so much for replying! i’ve actually already done that and i am a government major here.. so was able to talk politics.. social differences, went well. he didnt talk to his other friends during dinner either, just me. i am mature, i just do not have an adult identity per say yet in regards to career, $$, experience.

actually now though i am just annoyed/confused at how there have been several times when he’ll walk by when i am working (i work at the library ) and won’t say hi. I KNOW HE SEES ME.
i take it as avoidance and refuse to be the pesty little girl who hounds guys.. i find those people annoying.

but it makes it awkward cause I know that i am always the one to approach him and i dont want to be doing all the work, it makes it super obvious and again i have a complex about being annoying.

i know according to here swedes are shy and all but i am not a masochist for humiliation! also, last week i shamelessly flirted and complimented him on his hair cut. . not something i am used to doing.
ahhhhh i want him so bad. anyone read zuleika dobson ? satire. classic. about only wanting someone who resists you.

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A.R.

October 27th, 2009 at 10:54

I see most of posters here are women. Allow me to introduce myself before my post. Im a 25 year old american man living in california. I recently attended a costume/halloween party where i met a nice young swedish girl. After mingling with everyone at the beginning of the party I started talking to the lovely swedish exchange student. After much conversation I asked her for her number and asked for a date with her. She gave me her number (her correct number) and accepted my request for a date. The next day I texted her to confirm the day of our date, along with some swedish words I learned so i could flirt with her. She confirmed the date and returned the flirting. The next day she texts me saying something along the lines of “Im flattered that you asked me out but ive been thinking and it seems strange to go out with someone i dont know. I hope you understand yadda yadda yadda…” First off, part of the whole point of going on a date is to get to know the person youre on the date with. So who knows what the real reason is. If she didnt want to go on the date then why did she give me her correct number in the first place? Also, why did she confirm the date the next day via text. SO CONFUSING. Needless to say im slightly pissed off, of course. Thats my story.

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Simon

October 28th, 2009 at 00:58

quite the time you’re having there MB – always tricky when you don’t know the people involved but it does seem off that he’s not acknowledging you when it’s blatantly obvious he does see you. Maybe that is down to shyness on his part, tricky to say but if he talks to you at other times maybe it’d just be worth asking him the next time you’re together about it in a clam way, just to see if there is any concerns on his part or reason for any public shyness.

For my part I’ve been talking.texting a girl been talking to for some time in Sweden and it’s a similar situation in some ways to Jen above. I’ve had a couple of long distance relationships in the UK, say a couple of hours from each other, of course there has to be an attraction, trust and you have to want the same things for it to work, and – this is more for Jen but applies generally too – those things apply even moreso in a long distance relationship in the same country but arguably doubley so when it’s across countries. These relationships can work out though and it sounds like you’ve got things worked out and on an even keel there now though :)

A.R. – not sure what to say to that but it sounds like the girl you met got a bit nervous inbetween the party and the potential meeting, depends on what you mean by flirting as sometimes you can take things a bit too far before you meet someone properly for a date which makes things more pressured and nervous. Maybe it’d be worth giving her a few days and then just having a bit of a general chat via text and see how it goes from there ?Any other ideas from the ladies on here?

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Jen

October 28th, 2009 at 03:52

I think I have to agree with Simon, A.R.- I think there can be a little nervousness happening when meeting someone at a party then going on a “date” date. I think it might be a good idea to text her after a couple of days and look at going to coffee or for a walk (any good parks?) something plaine. You had said it was at a costume/halloween party I think meeting for something normal in normal clothes lets her know who you are more(instead of you costumed ego) and its not as serious as a date.
BTW my Swede and I just got webcams, staring and smiling for a good 10 minutes, then we decided to talk, technology is fantasic!
Simon-I realy hope that we want the same things, I will have fun finding out!

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A.R.

October 28th, 2009 at 07:03

The point is if Swedish women are so open and liberated then why is the one I found acting like a wimp. Did I get a dud? Bah, it seems women around the world arent so different.

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A.R.

October 28th, 2009 at 07:14

In addition, what kind of sense does it make to not flirt with someone that youre going on a date with??? The extent of my flirting was translated to english as “hello beautiful”. Short, classy, harmless. I talked to this girl pretty extensively during the party, as myself and not my costume character. I hadnt even specified what we were going to be doing on our date before she reniged. I think I may have come across the lamest swedish girl that exists.

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Jen

October 28th, 2009 at 15:47

A.R.- Well you might as you said have come across the “lamest Swedish girl that exists” BUT! there is always the possibility she played the what if game, you know what if this happens?, what if that happens?, what if this is a bad idea? Yes its a self destructive game but alot of people play it, I know I have(unfortunatly). I think be patient if you’re really interested, give time but don’t loose touch and who knows yes maybe she is acting a wimp, but who ever said someone that was curious had to be brave?

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Simon

October 30th, 2009 at 00:36

some good points there for AR, she won’t be the first or last woman who goes off the idea of a date after a day or two, as was said earlier the atmosphere at a party, bar or club is different to a normal everyday one, maybe she just decided that maybe the flirting was a bit too much too soon for her. Worst thing you can do is get angry or upset over it particularly towards her, if you do like her then you should try and if nothing else be friends with her and see what happens. Labelling her a wimp, even if just on here, isn’t going to help either and isn’t a fair description at all, or describing her as lame. It does sound a bit like you expected her to be different from other girls just because she’s Swedish and this isn’t the case, whilst some, possibly a lot, of Swedish girls might be openly flirty or talk openly about sex it doesn’t mean they’re easy game or up for anything, just seems like you had a bit of a preconceived idea about them and this girl. Jen’s also made a good point that people can play the what if game which often leads to things being ruled out or cancelled, if that is the case then you’ll have to be patient and considerate with this girl if you do want things to go from friends to dates to a relationship.

Jen – hope things work out for you and you do both want the same things or at least some of the same things so you’ve got a good base to go on with your relationship. How did you opt to do things if both of you were really busy and not able to communicate much? The webcams sound handy, just don’t get too drunk before/whilst using them ;-) How much distance is there between you if you don’t mind me asking?

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Jen

October 30th, 2009 at 01:51

Simon- We opted if we were super busy to e-mail messages back and forth and let no more then one week go by without saying anything or sending a picture because like I had posted earlier we had let a couple weeks drift by, ended up both of us being unsure what in the world was going on with the other. Driving ourselves crazy thinking the other was uninterested, when we both just let so much time pass that we both figured leaving things to the other to make the next move would have been best and then we both got impatient and then both made a move! As posted earlier, broken in the head the two of us, happy but silly. How much distance is between us? That is such a good question because I had no clue and I am now shocked knowing that there is exactly 6416km between us! But even looking at that impressivly long number I kind of thought it would have been longer, so now I feel its not that bad, Sweden isn’t quite as far anymore.

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likeafoxiam

October 30th, 2009 at 06:41

WOW! I just found this blog and I think its a riot! I’m so greatful it exists!

This past June I was in India doing research (I’m a Grad student) and I met two Swedish men. They both happend to be there studying the same subject and it turned out we had a mutual friend. I swear it was like a fairy tale! We all happend to be at a siminar in Mumbia, I saw them across the room and thought DAMN I must meet those beautifull men! So what did I do? I went straight up to them and said hello. They also said hello, then they waited for me to say more. This is when I got totally nervous and nearly forgot my name, LOL! I felt my face get red hot and I just started babbeling about what I was studying. It turned out they were studying the same thing and we had a friend in common (thank God!) and we decided to have tea at our mutual friends book shop (my friend Betsy also participated). That tea led to dinner, that led to walking around Mumbia seeing the city at night, and that led to drinks at a bar. The evening was really a dream come true for Betsy and I! I have to say that I have never been more amazed on a date (I’m calling it a date whether the Swedes agree or not). Those Swedes were the most polite young men I have ever spent an evening with. They were respectful, polite, funny, and VERY well educated! Unfortunatley, they arrived in India towards the end of my trip. Betsy and I were only able to hang out with them for three days before we flew back to Texas. But those few days were great! Axel and Peter made a huge empression on this Texas girl, I will never forget them!

I came across this blog because I’ve been researching Sweden ever since I met my Swedish friends. I’m officialy infatuated with Sweden and want to visit the country and make more Swedish friends. If I could snag myself I Swedish sweaty pie I would be the happiest person!

I want to wish everyone the BEST OF LUCK because we’re all in the same boat. Here’s to the future!

xoxo

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A.R.

October 30th, 2009 at 12:03

New swede development-So I was originally canceled on by a young swedish girl whom I met at a party. I ended up waiting a couple of days after being canceled on and suggested to her that maybe we could do something more simple like go get coffee instead. She liked the idea and suggested I bring some of my friends and that she bring some of her swedish friends. I want something that at least semi resembles a date and she wants an american-swedish summit. I couldnt think of a good reason not to chase her so I accepted the summit invitation. Im thinking if it goes well then i’ll suggest a date after the fact. Ill Keep the Swede lovers board posted on what happens lol.

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Simon

October 31st, 2009 at 01:11

AR – sounds like a good step with the coffee suggestion, best thing to do now is just treat it as meeting a friend with a few mates and don’t think about asking her out on a date beforehand otherwise it’ll play on your mind and you’ll be trying to build up to the moment all the time you’re together. Play it cool and see how it goes, with good luck you’ll get a time and place for another meeting and go from there

Jen – sounds like a good plan you’ve got there, that will hopefully mean that you don’t have any uncertainty about what the other is doing or thinking which is key, as well as what I’ve mentioned before that being honest and open with each other and be able to trust each other and want the same things too. That’s a fair distance that but as with the long distance relationships I’ve had here in Britain the distance is mostly in your mind, if you can make it work long distance then I’ve always felt you can make it work when you’re living closer together or even together! When you were first chatting online with your Swede were you looking for a Swedish bloke in particular or to paraphrase an earlier post were you just fishing and Sweden was the country that came calling?

likeafoxiam – sounds like those Swedish lads made quite the impression on you to understate things! Have you looked into visiting Sweden before or since? By the text of your post there maybe someone should post up a few links to international dating sites to see if you can get chatting to some potential Swedish dates?!

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Jen

October 31st, 2009 at 03:24

Simon-Trust is truley a key peice in the puzzle, the distance seems to not be an issue, we definatly daydream about physicaly being able to meet but there isn’t any groaning about being so far away, theres just an unspoken understanding that it will happen and not to ware a hole in the floor while waiting. First time chatting we were on a British chat site, I was bored and was wanting to hear about what people had to complain about somewhere else in the world, instead of hearing the same old conversations here(not looking for a relationship and for sure not a long distance one just having made an exit from a particulaly nasty long distance relationship with an American). We started chatting and asked eachother what part of Britain we were from and soon found out neither one of us were he of course is in Sweden and I myself am from Canada. So great story I think, we out of shear coincedence tripped over eachother not looking for anything or eachother in particular. And funny strange enough now im on a blog about Swedes talking to a Brit.

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Simon

November 1st, 2009 at 23:59

That is a great story, quite funny how you ended up meeting on a British dating website of all places! There’s quite a few of them about though I’ve never thought much about how many people on them could be from abroad – makes the world seem that bit smaller though who you can end up having a relationship with someone a bit of a distance away from yourself, and as you say opens up the possibilities of ironies like talking to a Brit on a Swedish bog site! That’s great you’ve got that trust there and that you’re happy enough not to wear a hole in the floor in the meantime, ice bit of terminology there!

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Jen

November 2nd, 2009 at 01:55

Simon- accually it wasn’t a dating site, infact I was anti-men, anti dating, anti-world of relationships! and then I met him and figured maybe there could be an exception then after talking all night long I felt silly about being anti any of those things and gave into being happy instead.

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likeafoxiam

November 3rd, 2009 at 06:24

Simon,

If only I could get a Swedish love match! That would be awesome. But I think for now I’ll have to keep day dreaming. Oh well, such is life.

I am planing to visit Sweden though. I’ve been in the process of saving money ever since I met my Swedish friends hahaha. I think I’m a bit crazy/obsessed with trying to find a way to get to Sweden. Maybe I will be able to go this Summer.

I actually talked to one of my Swedes on facebook yesterday. I wish he was interested but I don’t really get that impression. I believe we’re just friends.

Does anyone on this site have a suggestion for an international dating site. I googled some a while back but I’m really not sure which ones are good and not shams.

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Simon

November 4th, 2009 at 02:12

funny how things can come out of nowhere when you least expect them! As mentioned before you sound calm and have things well sorted out between you and you’re prepared for times when you don’t hear so much from each other which can be frustrating, especially when all you want is a call or text or email off the other person just to hear from them and what they’ve been doing – as we said you’ve set things up well though so you’ve got an understanding between each other that will hopefully serve you well!

likeafoxiam – take things slow and see what happens! maybe your Swedish lad on Facebook is just a friend for now but as you get to talk and find out more about each other who knows where it might go! If nothing else you can never have too many friends and if that’s all it’s meant to be at the very least you’ll have a friend who can help you with Swedish and good places to visit!

CAn’t help much on international dating sites myself though it’ll be interesting to see what people think – I think Dating Direct are an international site though I think they charge too much, there’s the iffy Zoosk on Facebook – anyone know of any others or recommendations?

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Sapphire

November 6th, 2009 at 01:57

Hi guys! Sorry I haven’t responded the past week, am traveling now but have a chance to finally see your posts and throw my 1 cent in.

@MB – Ignore the guy. He could be one of the stupid guys that just doesn’t know what to do or since he already knows that you like him, doesn’t really care anymore. Either way, ignore him and look for better swedes.

@AR – I’m not sure if this is applicable to your Swedish girl, but as the concept of dating is really foreign to Swedes, they can become uncomfortable by going on a date. Also, Swedes don’t deal well with compliments or flirting. While you may have been just innocuous with the “hello beautiful” it’s truly unheard of in Sweden. I mean, people don’t even compliment you on shoes, or a new hairdo (it does happen but i can the number of times on my hand).
So let us know how the coffee date (see, a fika in America!) goes with the group of people and maybe the next step will happen.

Jen, Simon, and likeafoxiam … will get back to you guys tomorrow. am very sleepy now =)

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A.R.

November 6th, 2009 at 07:06

Breaking swede update…
I had my coffee date with the swedish girl. It must have went well because I landed a second REAL date with her. I went with her and her swedish girlfriend. I was going to bring my friend but we had conflicting schedules. So it was just me and 2 swedes. When I greeted her I made sure to respect her space instead of go in for the typical american half hug. I figured it was best to make sure she felt comfortable. We sat outside at a tea and coffee place and talked about the differences between Sweden and America, pros and cons…that sort of thing. We talked about our likes and dislikes, typical “getting to know you” conversation. I made sure to include her friend in the conversations so she didnt feel so much like a chaperone. Once it was time to say goodnight I did just that. No compliments, no body contact of any kind. It worked. I have my next date with her around the end of next week.

@Sapphire – Is there something that Swedes do instead of going on dates? Do Swedes just skip that step altogether? How do they get into relationships? It seems strange that im adapting to her customs and not the other way around. I know if i were to go to a foreign country I would attempt to behave and live according to said country’s standards. As the saying goes, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Oh well. She goes back to Sweden in a few months so im trying to make it speedy >= )

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Simon

November 8th, 2009 at 21:05

AR – it’s rather perplexing to read some of your posts and what exactly you’re after, whether it’s something akin to a “bit of fun” or some thing more serious, the way the posts are written suggests you’re exceptionally keen to “move onto the next level” to use one way of putting things e.g. “She goes back to Sweden in a few months so im trying to make it speedy” – also it’s worth considering if she’s going back to Sweden in the near future she might not want a relationship when she’s going back home soon, some people do find long distance relationships too hard for one reason or another, they can be hard work to maintain when you’re at opposite ends of a relatively small country nevermind across the Atlantic, maybe you’ll want to talk about this sometime soon so you know exactly what each other wants or doesn’t just to be sure.

On another point to your last post, why should any girl adapt or change how she conducts herself and her thoughts on dating/relationships just because she’s in a different country? What’s more you can’t say all girls in a country all behave the same way towards dating, here in the UK they don’t, some are more forward than others, others take things very slowly and space out meeting people over several weeks, others may arrange a date a week after the last one, you can’t really pigeonhole like you’ve done a few times. It’s not the girl that has to adapt it’s you that has to adapt to how she wants things to go, if it’s a slow pace it’s up to you to adapt and respect that not try to enforce am American view or way (whatever that is) or just your own ways onto her. You’re confusing living with other countries customs/standards with individual attitudes to dating and other personal viewpoints there I think.

will look forward to your update Sapphire! I agree with what you say there about compliments, certainly the Swedish girl I’ve known and chatted to for a while would agree there and certainly isn’t used to receiving compliments – definitely one of the differences between here and Sweden!

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Jen

November 9th, 2009 at 02:32

Simon- Here here I totaly agree with all you said!
A.R.- You need to definatly take some notes when Simon leaves them, I feel that if your Swedish girl is going to leave soon, yes, talk about what the both of you want and don’t want. If its the same things I think you should focus on builing a good foundation with her rather then championing for “the next level”.

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Merinda

November 10th, 2009 at 17:40

I find this blog very interesting. Here’s whats going on with me. At the University I attend, I work in the recreation center and the first time it opened this good looking man came in and I told him hi cause I work at the front desk and I was the one that would let him in. I heard that he had an accent so I asked him where he was from and he said Sweden, and he asked me where I was from and I told him the Caribbean island. Every time he would come in we looked at each other a bit and say hi. I am a black woman, and me being a foreigner here in the US, I have noticed that white men are not really attracted to black women. Ok to make a long story short, I added him on facebook and he asked me out. By him asking me out I am not sure if its because he is interested in me like that or just want to be friends. I realized that whenever he came in to the building he always came to my desk and not the other girls that were working with me. He would always talk to me and not even acknowledge their presence. Do Swedish men find black women attractive?

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A.R.

November 13th, 2009 at 09:27

Merinda – Men only ask out women when theyre interested in them. No straight male will ever ask out a woman with the intentions of platonic friendship. Im a white man and Im attracted to black women. Ive actually thought its the other way around, black women arent attracted to white men.

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Merinda

November 13th, 2009 at 18:13

A.R- Thanks for your reply. I thought he talked to be because he heard that I had an accent, so now he has someone that he can relate to u know! Well I have been always been attracted to white men, but what I have experienced in my culture is that the black men go with the white women, and white men hardly show any interests in black women. Black women usually don’t show interest in white men although they are attracted to them because they “know” that the white men are not interested. The white men here don’t even look twice in my direction, so I was surprised when this guy would kinda stare and keep eye contact longer than normal.

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Simon

November 15th, 2009 at 00:00

Jen – thanks for the kind words there!

Merinda – have a friend who’s family came over in the 1960s or thereabouts and are Sikhs so her skin colour is different to mine but that never really crosses my mind I have to say, obviously that’s an individual viewpoint, but I would say the answer to your question is the same as asking does a bloke find a girl attractive because she has blonde hair, or blue eyes, or a certain figure, I – everyone is attracted to different physical and personality traits I think, by the sounds of things you’ve gotten on well so far and he’s interested in seeing how things go when you get a chance to go out and have a talk and spent time together in more of a social place/environment etc so see how it goes – hopefully it’ll go well for you!

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A.R.

November 21st, 2009 at 09:42

So the Swedish girl that I was trying to brandish with an American man experience has fallen back on the “I’m sick” excuse. I really try very hard to give women a fair chance to prove themselves to be respectable. Time and time again all I find is a lack of integrity. Most women seem to have this ” Im a woman so I can get away with whatever I want.” mentality. Pretty frustrating.

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Jen

November 21st, 2009 at 21:27

Most women seem to have this ” Im a woman so I can get away with whatever I want.” What the hell! Maybe she is really sick, its cold season, topped off with that certain flu roaming around. Or maybe she is just smart, “brandish with an American man experience” this must be a joke! and I have had the American man experience, I am still waiting for my refund!

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Simon

November 21st, 2009 at 23:20

Have to agree with Jen and then some, that’s a rather shocking post if ever there was – “brandishing with an American man experience” makes you sound like some sort of cattle herder not to mention extraordinarily conceited without much of a care for what she wants, nor any real interest in her besides being able to put an international notch on your bedpost and a boast for you and the lads and jocks about the place. To judge a girl on how respectable she is on what you’ve said on here so far is ridiculous, and makes me wonder how you judge someone respectable, if anything given the content and language of your posts I’d say she’s more than respectable and if anything seems to have sussed out your intentions as less than honourable towards her. “Im a woman so I can get away with whatever I want.” no A.R., girls know what they want and what they don’t want,and if she doesn’t want to be with you, excuse or not, you can as I’ve said before either accept it and try and get to know her as a friend and a cool mate to have abroad or throw your toys out of the pram because she didn’t lay down and spread them for a good ol US lad. As Jen said it’s the time of year for colds and flu and if you respect her you wouldn’t question it or use the language you do on here, going by what you have posted if she has sussed you out she can’t be blamed frankly.

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A.R.

November 22nd, 2009 at 06:38

As piggish as some of the things I post may sound I can assure you Im the definition of a gentleman in person. I treated this girl very well and respectfully. I offered her a date via text. She told me ” I’d like that.” Then she proceeded to flake on me. If she didnt want the date then she had all the time she needed to tell me no. Why get someones hopes up if youre not into them? Ive been mistreated by women multiple times in a row and I havent done anything to deserve any of it. Ive literally been nothing but kind and accepting. Not one trace being inconsiderate, rude or cruel whatsoever. I try to give women the benefit of the doubt yet time and time again they prove to be, well…bitches.

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Jen

November 22nd, 2009 at 19:41

A.R.- “Bitches”?, Well with your obvious distain for women I guess its time you start thinking about taking on a life of celibacy, it would be much to every womens relief. And if your posts sound piggish then its probley very self reflective as with posting you have time to consider what you want to write, i would not want to hear what comments spewing from you mouth with any lack of forethought might be.

Simon- “throw your toys out of the pram because she didn’t lay down and spread them for a good ol US lad” Teeheehee, brilliant!

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Sapphire

November 22nd, 2009 at 20:47

Merinda – First off, Swedish men, like any men, find women attractive, especially so called ‘exotic’ women (i.e. us color peeps). Second, take it chill, if he asks you out on a date, go for it. But please don’t stress if he never does or nothing happens.

And peeps, think we’re all getting a bit heated here. ;)

AR – It sucks that it didn’t work out bw you and the Swedish girl. But you do seem to be upset about something relating to women. I’m sure you are a nice guy, but you do come off a bit strong, just from your tone in writing.

Jen and Simon – You guys raise valid points but play nice.

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Merinda

November 23rd, 2009 at 00:01

Sapphire- thanks for the advice. We went out last week and we had alot of fun :-)

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Merinda

November 27th, 2009 at 00:55

The island where I am from, if two people are interested in eachother the guy usually ask the girl officially to be his girlfriend. Do Swedish men ask the women to be their girlfried or is it the other way around?

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MEDHOTBLOOD1

November 28th, 2009 at 21:37

Interesting blog . . I am the living emobidiment of a living cliche’ . . I am of southern Italian/Sicilian extraction but anglofied due to being born and raised in the states . . . My eternal Venus and attraction is the tall, blond, statuesque, square-jawed Nordic beauty . . I am only 5’8 -5’9″ and have dated this type of woman and the contrast in culture is marked . . It really never became too much of an issue becasue I respected her ways and sI had to educate her on my way and approach to life . . Noridics are more cold and independent and less passionate about emotions . . but the ones I dated LOVEd my heat and my loving constant need to be caressed and massaged etc . . Affection is my middle name . . Ironically I am an english teacher and have been single for many years now due to focusing on raising my daughter and saving myself for the SPECIAL ONE . I think whoever sees me for me will not be dissapointed as I can cook and do all the italian arts inthe kitchen and just give my LOVE my all all the time . .flowers, wine, whatever . . if you are Swedish and UNDERSTAND and LOVE the ITALIAN APPROACH to living . .I am a 40+ Master degreed English teacher that wants to fall in love with you . . I am NOt jealous, possessive, nor controling. .I am sweet and hard-working and loyal . .ther is nothing more beautiful than the blonde nordic woman . .truely a goddess in my eyes. Please contact me at: d.spine @ live.com TAK !

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girl in need

November 30th, 2009 at 22:52

Hi Just found your blog — okay, so I met my swede online — we’ve been emailing and chatting quite a bit — even got to pictures all within a week! What should I expect? I’m so new to this, haven’t gone the online route before — I mean, I’m in the US he’s in Sweden. Why would he want to chat/email me when I am soooo far away.

And yes, he does seem oddly shy, yet funny and sometimes he really goes all out — sexy kinda talk and fun stuff like that. He’s sent me pics, then been shy, then harrassed me for mine…lol, all fun, but I’m beginning to like — like him. How odd is that? I feel a bit weird about that, I mean, I like a guy I’ve never met! Not really.

So, wondering if this is normal? Does this happen often? I read some of the blogs here and it seems so, except I’m in the US he’s in Sweden. He’s thirty. I worry he’s got some kind of live in girlfriend/wife and just chatting/flitering it up with me. That’s probably my own ‘newness’ to this online meeting/chatting/flirting thing…

Any insights? Anyone else experience this? And my gut says he his a really, really nice guy. I just worry…lol, already!

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Sapphire

November 30th, 2009 at 23:21

Merinda – Keep us posted and have fun!

Girl in need- What you are experiencing seems to be quite normal. However, being online dating as it is, take it slow. You really don’t know who he is and how much time he’s putting in to email you.

Swedish men do have this shy, but fun attitude. That seems to be the attraction foreign girls love.

I would keep chatting with him yet don’t put yourself totally out there. The last thing you want is for your heart to get broken because he’s just not into you at the end.

Anyone else have advice for our girl in need? =)

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Jen

December 1st, 2009 at 01:43

I am going thru the exact same deal, My Swede is thirty as well and of course an age where you do have to consider things like what are the full intentions, is it just for fun, is there girlfriend/wife in the picture? I would agree with Saphire and say take it slow and find out as much as you can about eachother, that can be alot of fun! I think we should start a support club for women that are hopeful long distance relationships with thirty year old Swedes lol.

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girl in need

December 1st, 2009 at 03:26

Wow. Thank you! I am going to start taking it slow. It’s been fun, he’s easy to chat with, he keeps it light, but yeah, I wonder at times what is going on. I never pictured myself chatting/having a thing with a guy long distance, especially in another country — until I met him. Now I find myself wondering all sorts of things, like is this normal? He’s very handsome to me, so why is he spending so much of his time invested in emailing/chatting me? Do people in Sweden (other countries/even in US) do this? What is the end result? Why do it? And, of course, I am that kind of person that starts to worry I am ‘liking’ the other person way too much! LOL, but that’s life.

Thank you for your answers, and Jen, I totally can see a support group! :O How long have you been chatting with your Swede?

Sapphire! Thanks again. I appreciate the advice. This is a whole new world for me, a little scary how much you can start to like someone and only know what they want to tell you….not that he’s dishonest, but he certainly could be, how would I know? :)

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Jen

December 1st, 2009 at 04:06

girl in need- I have been talking to my Swede for a little over three months, not long, unfortunatly or fortunatly for some I wear my heart on my sleeve and usualy end up falling fast and hard (ouch) so of course i always wonder as well am I liking the other too much. I have no clue how to tell if someone was being dishonest, it’s difficult if you don’t really know them yet or have great distance where someone could easily carry on a differant life from what you know. So unless its obvious bold faced lies or being way too contrary,its difficult, it would be nice if there was some sign like oh he’s turning purple either he’s being dishonest, or choking either way it’s not good and he’s got some trouble.

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girl in need

December 1st, 2009 at 05:08

Jen! LOL — right, the purple thing would basically give it away! Well, I am still enjoying the fun of chatting/emailing. But like you, I might wear my heart on my sleeve…it’s hard not to when someone is being nice, is funny, and seems to like you. I think as long as we are enjoying ourselves (you are, right?) then we should take it as it is. Fun! Besides, if was meant to be more, I think it will go that way anyway. Right? ;) Good luck Jen!

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Jen

December 1st, 2009 at 05:19

I hope there is ment to be more for me and my man, and for you and yours! Good luck to you too G.i.n.!

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MJ

December 1st, 2009 at 14:59

Hey there!!!!!!!! Jen and Girl in need so guess what……..I was in the same situation as you were, I met a wonderful swede online, he was shy, sweet, caring and breathtaking, I still remember the first webcam conversation we had, it was amazing I loved how he looked at me, I still cant get that look out of my mind and heart, well the thing is that I was really far away from him I was in Southamerica (another story of a latin girl and a swede to add to this blog hahahaha ;) ) but we kept emailing each other and talking all the time I missed him sooo much when I didnt know what was going on, and something inside me told me he was more than amazing……….my friends called me crazy and so did his friends…………but anyways I had a trip planned to Sweden so for several months I talked to him and wondered how it would be when we were finally together and all that……..and ladies let me tell you he is even better in person he is a dream he treats me like a queen!!!!!!! he wasnt only being honest about who he is and what he felt for me but he makes sure Im a big part of his life, now……..I am sitting in the flat we both share writting this comment ;) ……….so my advice is to take it slow of course, but trust your gut……….we girls have a 6th sense……….and we can tell when it feels right :D good luck!

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Sapphire

December 1st, 2009 at 15:28

MJ – Thank you for that lovely comment. Good to see love has come to you.

Would you mind telling us some do’s and don’t of online dating with your swede? Be great to learn some insight. =)

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girl in need

December 2nd, 2009 at 05:55

MJ! Thank you so much for your lovely story and your encouragement. I am trying my best to be patient! lol, and yes, he is very sweet, nice and funny!

thank you again!

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girl in need

December 2nd, 2009 at 06:14

Jen— thank you! :) Hugs! G.I.N

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Lauren

December 2nd, 2009 at 08:04

This blog was so helpful for me, but I’d like to find out more/get some insight. A month ago I met a Swede, and ever since we’ve been… well, I would say “Dating” being an American, but I really don’t know what to call it now.. I’m a senior at the university and he is an international/exchange student for the year. I’m 21, he’s 23. I met him in a bar… I was really drunk & actually mad at another guy, determined to meet someone else. I spotted Johan (the Swede) and I had actually planned to introduce him to my friend. She is shy, so when I went up to talk to him and get them talking, she silenced up and it turned into me and him talking. She went home, I stayed… we drank, he kissed me. We left. He took my phone number, I took his… we walked back to our places, said Goodnight.

The next day, to my surprise, I had a message from him on Facebook just saying how nice it was to meet me, etc. At first I was really skeptical of him because if this scenario had happened with an American guy, it wouldn’t mean much and he probably wouldn’t have sent such a sweet message.

So, things progressed pretty fast. The first time we hung out after the bar was just for a walk. I typically think of walks as a romantic gesture, but after reading these comments and knowing him a month now, it was probably just casual and something to do. We instantly clicked.. neither of us religious, for example. The next thing we did was go to a bar on a weeknight for a few beers with one of my roommates. I remember he brought up MARRIAGE.. he asked my friend and I something like “so what do you think about marriage? is it something you really want to do/are waiting for?” We gave our honest answers : NO, especially not compared to most American women… and he seemed pleased. He said (what is apparently common) that he doesn’t believe in it but he would if “the girl really wanted him to.” He managed to bring up marriage quite a few more times. At first he seemed like he thoroughly despised it, like he is a commit-a-phobe or something, but it’s turned into seeming like the opposite.. like maybe he is trying to figure out what he really believes, or maybe he actually wants to marry.

To fast-forward, things have gone great with me and him. The only reason I’m even really writing on here is because of my uncertainty about what we “are”. He’s mentioned “dating” and “girlfriend” (when drunk), but we haven’t had a “talk” about it and he hasn’t even really professed feelings for me. He SHOWS me he has feelings for me, and he has been SUPER understanding/kind/patient about not pressuring me forhooking up, but still.. never any words. He has emphasized how sweet I am, and played with my hair, held me in my sleep.. all of these super romantic, loving things… It’s like some people have said.. We seem to be beyond dating, very serious, and yet… are we? Something bothering me is that I’m afraid to progress the relationship if I don’t know how he’s feeling. I know I could just ask, but I’m an independent lady as well and I don’t want to pressure him or freak him out. Also, he’s not always confident with his English and sometimes what he says to me comes out wrong. I also realllllly want to do it with him (haha), but I can’t let myself if I dont have some sort of confirmation that we’re exclusive, serious, dating, whatever.

He can also be pretty quiet. When we’re alone, we can just stare into each others’ eyes.. like we’re talking to each other almost (sounds cheesy). I know I’m always thinking at those times, and it seems like he is…but he never says anything. He is definitely very polite like everyone has said… happy and willing to clean, cook, etc. He buys my drinks usually when we’re out, but then we went to a movie one time and he didn’t buy that.. haha. I don’t mind @ all, I just think it’s interesting to see what he will and won’t do. Oh, and about the shoes… I had NO IDEA that was a norm or seen as rude to keep shoes on in the house, but I noticed that he does take his shoes off every time, immediately when he comes over. That’s so cool to have learned :)

So, what should I do? Should I just be blunt and ask him what we are? Is it too soon to do that? Would sleeping with him before having this talk be a bad idea (like it is with American guys) or does it sound like he clearly likes me?

THANK YOU!!

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MJ

December 2nd, 2009 at 14:15

hey girls! :D well Im glad you liked my comment, I would be glad if I could help you!

About some dos and donts of online dating with a swede…….haha good question, let me try to give you some helpful ones:
First of all try to keep your eyes open, although swedes in general are very honest we all know there are good and bad people everywhere in the world, so keeping your ears, eyes and memory working all the time will be very useful, its really important to see if his stories match all the time hahaha, like if you ask questions he should be able to reply with the same story, otherwise……it means he is not being too honest, contradictions are a very bad sign.
Try to have him as friend in the social networks you belong to, that way you get to see if he is the same person he claims to be in all of them, and if other girls are writting to him and all that…….
Webcam conversations are really fun too! that way you get to see how he reacts towards you (and before meeting in person its the most fun thing you have :) )
Listen to your friends but also listen to that inner voice you have, it is usually right! and if you really listen to it, it lets you know that you are taking the right path.
And ………..enjoy every single email and message he sends you! he is taking a lot of time to write to you and to wonder how you are doing! and lets face it swedish men are adorable! hahaha, they are sweet and caring and very respectful, and they are even better in person, it still amazes me how everytime my swede has friends over the guys are the ones that cook because I had never seen that happening before (me comming from a very traditional culture in which men are treated like kings) so yeah I cant complain to be in a place now where women are treated way better than back home!!! :)

Sapphire I was reading the blog and asked my swede about the dating system here and wooooooooooow………Im glad I had met him before I came hahaha otherwise it seems almost impossible to become part of their group of friends and even less possible to date someone!

Girl in need……..You are more than welcome I really hope to keep reading your progress with the swede and to know that it finally worked out perfectly! ;)

cheers to all of you!

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girl in need

December 3rd, 2009 at 05:08

Hi MJ!

Thank you for the new post! I was wondering…did your Swede go days without emailing you? LOL, yes, I am needy! He did mention he had a big project rolling out, but…sniffle, sniffle! Is it okay in Sweden to say I will be busy until Friday with a project, and that means, or should mean to me, that he will be busy and won’t email me for four days?? Sigh. This is hard, lol, and funny as it is, we’ve only gotten to know each other a bit — but we…click? Isn’t that odd? I feel odd. I’ve never been an online type meet a guy person — I wasn’t looking to, but uh…I did!

Anyway, I am busy too, but….I still email people! Maybe it’s an american thing. Not sure.

Okay, going back to work on some of my own projects! lol

:) G.I.N.

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Jen

December 3rd, 2009 at 07:27

I know you asked MJ and I’m dying to know what she thinks, what is the deal with this? But I wanted to weigh in on this problem as well. I posted before I had a week or so of silence, and now another. I have not spoken with mine for fifteen days now, yikes just counted that out, I too have been busy, its December who isn’t? I agree I make time to email, to keep in touch, even if its been a long day. So yes waiting in silence is not fun especialy after getting a barage of attention poured upon you, then all a sudden absolutly nothing. I am not the internet type either and finding someone that interests you thru the internet has been a learning experience all on it’s own. But yes busy time from my experience seems to be, shush, it’s quiet time. We should seriously find a way to exchange emails and write eachother while we wait or are confronted with another quiet time, but I feel you shouldn’t worry too much, give the time they need to square away what they need and then have attention and fabulous communication again and yes keep yourself busy it will help the time will fly by.

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MJ

December 3rd, 2009 at 14:29

Hey girls!!!!!!!! I hope youre great ;) ahhhhh you know I think my swede was in a different situation when I met him because he had time off at work so of course it gave us more time to talk (during crazy hours for him that would have been impossible to get if he had been working) but…….he usually emailed me everyday, but my phone company allowed me to send text messages internationally, so I took the chance and asked for his phone number hahaha I did not call him but I sent him a text and surprise he replied, I remember some days those text messages were the only contact we had but they were quite useful ;) ………and I know that maybe you dont want to come too strong but that is also a good way to know how interested he is ;)
And usually people in Sweden are very honest and responsible so they do take their projects very seriously, ahh but you can always ask them if youll be able to contact them during those days (in a really nice way of course hahaha)
Take it slow girls dont worry ;)………….these men are a little bit different than the ones we have in the Americas hahahaha…….and probably they are going thru the same confusing process in which they just realized they really like a girl they havent met yet :)………which is confusing for all of us!

But keep us posted and I really really hope things go great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers to all of you and remember youre all stars!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS The winter is already here yaaay!!! :)

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TR

December 3rd, 2009 at 22:28

Girl in Need and Jen, I have been doing the long-distance thing with a Swedish man for 2 years now, so I will chime in as well. That is completely in line with my experiences as well. We will go for weeks of talking for hours every single day, and then I won’t hear from him for stretches of time like that. Don’t worry – it just means work has gotten busy or something like that. I know it is frustrating and we as girls don’t understand it, but he is thinking of you and will be back as soon as he gets a chance. My experience has also been that Swedes are very honest, and he will tell you if he doesn’t want to continue things. Silly boys just aren’t able to multitask as well as we girls are. :o)

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fafa

December 4th, 2009 at 08:30

Hard, huh?

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Girl In Need

December 5th, 2009 at 03:14

Oh my god. That is funny TR! The multi-tasking! Okay, I get that, I will hide the sniffles! Besides, he emailed me twice yesterday, seemed very concerned over the no email days, so that was sweet. :) MJ thank you again for the feedback. I think you’re all great! I’ve been swamped too, so it’s been sorta okay, I was simply wondering…the phone. Mmmmm, asking for his number might have to wait a bit…at least til after the holiday season! I think he is busy both with work, and his buddies and all the fun of the holidays. And yes, he seems very honest, he even mentioned that today!

I hope you’re hanging in there during the long winter! Sounds really dark in some parts of the country — much like Western Mass! LOL, but the holidays there sounds fun and entertaining!

thanks again!

G.I.N

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Sapphire

December 5th, 2009 at 22:00

Hi girls! Sorry work got crazy this week and I couldn’t keep up with you all.

MJ – thanks for advice and ideas. How long was it before you met your swede in person?

Lauren – To answer your questions. If you are unsure, then do speak to him. Swedes value honesty and he is probably confused just like you are. I did ask my swede if were really together, i.e. exclusive. He looked at me funny and was like ‘duh, any more than one girl is crazy.’ But that was my swede.

Be casual about it and don’t force labels upon him… the real answer is that you guys want to be exclusive or not.

I would not also ask this question 10 min before sleeping with him. hehe. But say, “hey, i wanted to ask you something cuz i’m a bit confused. it’s a cultural thing, but would say we’re together and not dating anyone else?”

Jen – hang tight. As MJ said, if you are worried he is being dishonest in anyway, sometimes ask the same questions at different times (like a couple weeks apart). And try to make friends on FB or Twitter or whatever social network you care for.

It seems that Swedish men may just need time to reflect and do their own thing and get back to reality. Think about it, talking online with someone online is basically dreaming in a fantasy world; you guys may never meet or you meet and there’s no romance. Possibly that silence time is a way for him to pursue his own life.

Yes, agree with TR: Men + Multitasking = Massive Mess

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Jen

December 6th, 2009 at 01:47

Saphire- I’m not in the least worried about his honesty, just mildly annoyed at the silence, I guess with the lack of multi tasking skills that men seem to not posses, I know his job is extreamly demanding but an email once and a while simply stating he is still alive would be good. Asking too much? I guess so, I’ll have to do without and he can reflect if that’s what is needed.

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Simon

December 7th, 2009 at 23:19

hey hey hey, enough of the multitasking men bashing here ladies! :)

Hope your Swede is back in touch there son Jen, I’m finding things the same with the Swedish girl I’ve been talking to for a while and it’s been like that since I first met her online really, sometimes I’ll hear from her several times over a day or two, other times I won’t hear anything for weeks and weeks so it’s not just a male thing. It is frustrating though when all you want to do is get to know someone better and ask them questions and just chat generally and they’re not around or don’t reply. It may just be a cultural thing perhaps or maybe that this time of year is a busy and hectic one for people everywhere and sometimes when people have had to deal with customers, or work all day and then local friends wanting to meet up or arrange things for later in the week or weekend that they’ve just had enough of writing texts or emails and unfortunately it’s the non-locals and overseas acquaintances that lose out. That’s just a theory of course but I think we all get to a point where we just need a bit of our own time and maybe with this year being hectic as it is that’s just what’s happened. Hopefully so anyway and you’ll hear from your Swede soon enough.

Also, Sapphire’s suggestion of Facebook etc is a good one, at least then you can see what groups,networks etc he’s in and pics of where he’s been to in the past which will give you some talking points when you next speak.

One other general point across the board with regard to what Sapphire also said the thing with the net is whilst, in my opinion at least, it’s easier to get to know someone (as opposed to talking in a pub/club where someone can make up anything about themselves without having anything to back it up necessarily) though the downside is you can imagine what they’re like and give them a mood and personality which doesn’t necessarily actually fit them as a person, quite often you can be way off from the person you thought and the person you actually meet. I’ve had it happen a couple of times where you can get on really well via emails/txts but when you meet there’s just nothing there and the chemistry you thought turned out not to exist. Hopefully for those others on here pursuing an online form of dating that won’t be the case but it is true that the more ways you have to get to know someone, especially a cam like Jen, the more you get to know someone and what they are really like as a person.

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Jen

December 8th, 2009 at 07:02

Simon -Thankyou for those comforting words of reassurance, I’m glad that it isn’t an odd occurrence to not hear any communication at times, be it from males or females, multitasker able or not. You hit the nail on the head, alot of my frustration stems from not being able to ask questions and discuss things in aiming to get to know this Swedish man that I have become to find so interesting and enamouring. So I have taken to keeping a journal to write all my important questions down so I don’t forget them before talking to him again. Possibly a very helpful little book and gives the confidence that I don’t have to worry if questions are not directly asked or answered they are all in the book and can be asked at some point or another. I always belived very much so that silence is golden, now I can add a ton of exceptions to that phrase!

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Simon

December 9th, 2009 at 00:07

I think the frustration is the key thing really, I know if I could now there’s a load of things I’d like to ask my Swedish chum but don’t get the opportunity to do so! Of course, the next thing to happen would be to get the chance and then have your mind go blank! It’s one of the adjustments you have to try and make I think if you’re trying to get to know someone who’s in a different country either as a friend or potentially more, there isn’t the opportunity to just ring or text and have an evening down the pub or a Saturday afternoon by the sea/country/shops whatever like there is with say a date who lives locally or within a 2-3 hour radius. Certainly the lack of communication isn’t just a male thing as mentioned previously, it may be a cultural thing perhaps and maybe the Swedes like to take things a bit more easier, as also mentioned before I do think time of year has a lot to do with it and how busy someone is with work & friends/family, sometimes people just need their own time for a bit for a breather and a slowdown and then think about catching up with those they haven’t seen or spoken to in a while – we can probably all sit here now ad think of that friend or old work colleague we haven’t spoken to in a while despite having all the phone/email/text/Skype/Facebook etc details to hand!

Maybe one other thing you could do is look at spots in Sweden you’d like to go when you visit there? that’s another conversation point, have you tried learning the language much yet?

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Jen

December 9th, 2009 at 02:41

Simon- I have looked at some places I would love to see when finally able to visit there, had done a lot of camping talk. I have tried to start to learn the language and its not easy. Being Canadian I have some French speaking ability and find myself at times wanting to say a few words with a French pronunciation, very strange, it doesn’t work very well. I always end up laughing at myself when things really don’t sound right. I can only imagine the looks and pleas for me to just speak English I would get if I were still were at this level of nonsense speak when I finally get a chance to visit. Fingers crossed I can achieve some improvements, like not mashing languages, that would be a good start.

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Simon

December 15th, 2009 at 00:00

Is there anywhere in particular that has grabbed your attention so far Jen? my previous answer was a bit too language heavy and diverting from this topic so it’s here if you want to have a look

http://lostinstockholm.com/2009/12/07/learn-swedish-language-resources/

veering back towards the topic do you feel pressured to learn Swedish more because of the Swede you’ve found and the possibility of visiting or is it something you want to do to converse (and say sweet nothings :) ) to him in his native tongue? What kind of things do you ind yourself wanting to ask by the way, do you find they’re mostly serious questions on relationships or vary from the serious to the more lighthearted?

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Jen

December 15th, 2009 at 06:15

Well, Göteborg in particular has my attention and I have heard of the teach yourself language guides, however I’m not too sure on how good they are, I have a place in town that teaches Swedish, so I’m looking into that.
I feel that I want to learn Swedish for a variety of reasons, I think if I when I am able to visit I would want to something of the language and I think it would be nice to converse with my Swede in his native tongue (sweet nothings are good, but I think I could handle myself without having to resort to using any words ;) ) I also have an uncle that grew up in Sweden and wouldn’t mind the practice speaking to someone. I also have an Icelandic grandma who thinks that I should instinctively be able to pick up Swedish and blames the government for making me learn French in school for my stumblings with the language but when I have difficulties of any sort she says “You’re Nordic, you’re better then that”. If that’s not pressure enough to get learning I don’t know what is!
I find the questions I want to ask are defiantly a range of things from general things to serious questions that I should eventually ask, but those serious ones go in the book of don’t forget to ask later. I try to keep things light hearted for now but also ask the odd borderline serious questions. I just don’t want to seem intimidating because of asking heavy questions too soon. But I’m not even certain what too soon is? and so if any methodology I would asume I’m trying to be clever with is on the fly, and thats not much to go on is it?
I also am still waiting for contact from my silent Swede, so at the moment I guess I’m safe from asking anything too soon.

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Simon

December 16th, 2009 at 23:47

That is a bit of pressure to be under to learn the language there! Though it’s great to have a heritage like that, must make for some interesting family times as well as history to look back on, though I suspect it doesn’t make Swedish any easier to learn just because of it! I’ve got a Teach Yourself CD set and another of the books and I’d say there were good and fairly easy to pick things up on, you’ve got an advantage with someone to practise conversing with but I’d say the Teach Yourself CDs and book that goes with it is worth a look. You’re lucky to have a place in town that teaches it too!
I think it is hard when you don’t hear someone not to stray into thinking about the serious questions that come to mind, as you say there is the question or worry of being asking these questions too soon – whether it is too soon is I would suggest something that differ from person to person, some would find it intimidating to have someone asking serious forward thinking questions, others find that it puts everything out in the open and both people know exactly what the other wants and thinks long term. That in it itself kind of segways into another point, that no matter how much you talk ,text, email etc someone you never really know what or how well you’ll get on until you spend time with them and can really get to to know them and their personality. Maybe in this type of situation where it is a long term thing to get to know someone over that distance the book of questions might also be worth using to put a few thoughts down so they’re not always in your mind pushing you towards asking the serious questions that might be asked too soon for your Swede’s liking?
One thing it may also be worth bearing in mind is that in Sweden at the moment they are experiencing some short daytimes in terms of sun and daylight so that doesn’t often help people’s mood, certainly here it’s not nice waking up to a dark sky first thing in the morning and if you add in a few degrees less heat that may also explain why our Swedes are quiet at the moment, besides the hustle and bustle that you get at this time of year.

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Jen

December 17th, 2009 at 02:11

Family times are very interesting especially because i’m the only one of the younger generation that is open to learning all of the family traditional things. Probley got a taste for it as a baby teething, gnawing on hardfiskur, so I’ve been told. Definatly the short daytime effecting peoples demeanor is something to keep in mind, even here we only get 8 to 8.5 hours daytime and that 8 hours is during working hours so yes you either see the sun rise or set. You don’t get to enjoy much sun, but its not like you want to go outside anyhow, the fact the windchill here is averaging the temperature to be -42 (celsius) so not much but hybernating and cuddling is what I’m wanting now and when it comes to the latter all I can say is damn the distance. But besides the weather the last time I had talked to my Swede I think work was going to be biggest factor for the lack of contact. For all the time he said he would be spending at work I think he should have invested in a cot and camped out at his workplace, save himself the trip every morning. I will also take a look at the teach yourself, sounds to be the more cost effective option rather then the Swedish class lessons.

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ngs

December 17th, 2009 at 16:04

Hej,
My question is for everybody. What do swedes think about interracial dating. I mean a swedish guy with an immigrant (iraqi, asian or muslim) and vice versa. Does it common and accepted in Sweden? If yes, which is it?
Thanks, and merry Christmas for all of you!

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Simon

December 19th, 2009 at 17:32

A further aspect with the shorter days is of course that if you’re on your own or just single you do miss that feeling of having someone there for you or with you, hopefully you’re not getting too down there at the moment. Think we’re on about 8 hours daylight here too, no snow in my part of the country yet, at this part of the month there’s a definite wind down and people just want to get work finished for Christmas and everything sorted for Christmas which, if there’s a lot of night outs or family events to sort out or go to then time can pass quickly by without noticing. It’s nice that you are interested in the family traditions as there’s a bit of a trend for those things to be overlooked though I think some of it’s coming back, it’s also something for your Swede to quiz you over too of course ;-) One thing I found with Teach Yourself was that it was definitely a good idea to get the CDs with the books, as I found the way I thought some words were pronounced was way off from how they were actually spoken! Another aspect of how solo learning is a tough thing to undertake!

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Jen

December 19th, 2009 at 19:19

Simon- Not feeling too down, definatly overwhelmed at everything that has to be done for the next week. I agree being single and it being winter it seems to be so much more on ones mind that yes you really are that single and alone, and no there is no one to hold you. I think we start to worry about people when they opt to take a bus to work in the winter just to feel a good squeeze when another puffy parka clad person squooshes next to them. Getting started learning Swedish seems to be dificult, my uncle who I thought might be a great help isn’t quite so helpful infact more confusing. May I also suggest looking back at the posts, it almost seems we have monopolized “Dating in Sweden…We Americans need a guide” of late and keep switching subjects, going off topic…much like I have now. I would hope that maybe Saphire would be able to aid with a trade of email addresses (I send her mine, you send her yours, she trades) allowing me or you to not have to post addresses for anyone to see. If you want? I just figure make it easier and others can talk more on topic, unless people are finding our conversation highly interesting.

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Simon

December 19th, 2009 at 23:37

That’s fine with me Jen, certainly wouldn’t want to put anyone put off posting here or from adding contributions or have their questions disappear to a degree inbetween our musings so if an email swap via Sapphire can be done that’s fine!

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Jen

December 20th, 2009 at 04:44

Simon-sounds good to me too I will send Sapphire a note or her contact and see if she can send my address along to you.

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Simon

December 22nd, 2009 at 20:37

ok! I’ve sent mine to Sapphire so hopefully we’ll be in touch soon!

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Ana

January 1st, 2010 at 08:04

Hello everyone! I made a comment in the section The Dying Questions For The Swedish Men and I’m in a desperate need for advice!! I realized that this section is more popular than the other (I think so anyways) and I would like any of you guys and girls to please read my comment and say something about it. PLEASE!

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Sapphire

January 2nd, 2010 at 01:03

Answered your comment Ana!

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iL

January 28th, 2010 at 03:34

HI, I really enjoy reading the blogs on your site and learning more about this breed called Swedish guys (hehe). I have a short story. I was dating this guys briefly who happen to have two Swedish roommates. I started to notice myself giving longer looks to one of the swedes, who I will call (Lance) and I would always catch myself. Then one evening, I was hanging out the guy I was dating at the time, the two Swedish guys and my other friends. All of a sudden, I and Lance suddenly locked eyes and stared at each other for what seem like an eternity while everyone was present including the guy I was dating. I had to break the moment with a smile, which he reciprocated. But it was too late because everyone noticed.
Well, am not seeing that guy anymore, but I went ahead and added Lance to my facebook and he responded. Do you think that I should try and develop a friendship and see where it goes or just not bother because he is still roommates with the guy i dated.

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Latina girl

January 30th, 2010 at 02:35

Hej!
I have a question. How does one know if you are dating a swedish or you are just friends? In my culture things happen in different stages:

1) Friends. You hand out in a group of friends, share, have fun
2) More than friends. At this stage you see something special in the other person and he might ask you if he “can get to know you better”, maybe in group, visiting you at your house, going to see a movie, etc.
3) Boyfriend and girlfriend. He already saw many good things in you and sees you as potential wife material, in the future. No girl assumes they are boyfriend and girlfrien unless he asks: do you want to be mmy girlfriend? It’s a serious step. It can last around a year. Of course they can break up but only if there’s something really wrong
4) Engagement. It isn’t as spectacular as in american movies. They just talk about when/what date would it be good to get married. Usually the boy starts the conversation. A ring is also given.
5) Getting married. After some months of engagement.

Can anyone explain me what is the Swedish procedure (more or less)?? Thanks!

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Björn

February 11th, 2010 at 00:20

Hi there=) like many others I was just messing around and came across this blog. Im a 26 year old swedish guy and I have to say it was very fun and interessting to read all of this stuff=). Its very fun to see comments about things that are so very normal for me but seen as something completly alien for others hehe. I did not read each and every post though, but one certain thing is that if you want to find a guy in sweden a bar or nightclub is not a very good place. In sweden we go there for one night stands usually, and me and my friends agree that you dont find any nice girls at a club. Its just one night stands or at best “KK” which roughly translates to (without using bad language hehe) casual-buddy. Which is basically a booty call which goes both ways. Its not unusal to hook up with a girl in a bar and sleep with her only to find out that she already has a boyfriend, usually by him calling her and she trying to explain her whereabouts. So no, swedish guys at a bar usually only wants a one night stand. A party at someones home, or perhaps a social gathering of friends such as a barberque or some bowling or whatever is however a great way to meet someone=).

@Latina girl well Id say that there is a fine line between “dating” and being a couple. Sometimes you act just like a couple but in truth its just dating or casual “fun”. The only real way is to tell the guy that you want it to be official, and he if refuses then you should just leave him and find someone who will appreciate you. Alot easier said than done but it atleast will be more rewarding in the end.

PS. Ive already had a couple of beers so this is as open as I’ll ever get hah! =P

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Latina girl

February 11th, 2010 at 17:27

@Björn
Ok! Good to know! It seems to me though that the woman puts herself out there a lot more than the man. Maybe it’s just my “latin” need for chivalry =) But… I guess I’m ok with that, I mean, it’s not the ideal situation for me, but if I care enough for the guy I would deal with it. It’s the confusing part what I don’t like. Oh, well… I hope I can get the mind of swedish guys quickly (by the way doing this is helping) because I’m sort of losing hope.
And if having a couple of beers helps you open up… keep doing it! Just don’t get drunk lol
P.S. I made some comments on the section “The Dying Questions for the Swedish Men”, if you wouldn’t mind taking a look, it would be good to see some feedback =)

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Björn

February 12th, 2010 at 00:02

@latina girl

I did take a look at your comments, and well if I could answer it in one sentence I would say. Its a difference in culture. I can understand your questions about finding out if the guy likes you or not, Id say since over here we dont have the same “chivalry” as other countires. If a girl says no its usually means we stop, its not about not having any balls or being pussies, its more that of a respect thing. Think of it as this, if a guy walks up to you in a bar or whatever and starts to talk with you no matter how drunk he is. Its as obvious as a lightning bolt in a clear sky that he is interessted in you, but since in sweden women can do the same, if you play hard to get we usually take that as a “Im not interessted at all” sign. We might be more shy but also the girls here are more direct aswell. If you dont show any real interesst then we take it as you are not interssted at all and might aswell move on to the next girl or just sob at some corner and get drunk as hell =P.

So when he doest say hi in messenger or whatever chat program you use, it might be because he wants you to say hi to him. Its really hard for us to speak about how we feel, I cant speak for everyone but for me its because I have a really hard time thinking of any reason why anyone would want to hear about it. I mean ask me how a feel and I will say Im either happy/or annoyed depending on how I feel at that moment but why should I explain it further? it would just be whining or uninteresting chit chat.

About the drinking, its actually in our culture to be honest. We drink because we like it. I like getting drunk, I like talking while being drunk. And I even look forward to take a few beers in the evening after a hard days work. If I met a foreign woman and she would ask me to stop my drinking then I would compromise by not drinking on certain days. Drinking is in my culture, evertyime I meet my dad for example we always drink like 10 beers and have a steak or something. We get drunk and we talk about all kinds of stuff but thats how its always been, since he was my age and since his dad was that age and on and on. You cant just change that =P.

PS: Im not alcoholic and neither are the normal swede, in fact the drinking stuff is even getting less and less for most people these days. Its just that it makes us happy lol.

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Latina girl

February 12th, 2010 at 06:54

@Björn
Thank you for taking some time to see my dumb questions!
Yes, I agree with you, it is a difference in culture. I like differences. I heard something similar to what you say, about being respectful. So, I shouldn’t freak out then if he doesn’t take the initiative. It’s just that in my culture we rarely greet first… well we might but most of the time it’s when the guy is a friend we can really trust on and feel comfortable enough to do that. The way I see it is that Swedish men and latin women are very similar in some ways… we are used to see the opposite sex doing most of the work or at least a little more than the half, we are afraid to say hi or smile because we might look desperate or be rejected even though it’s just a natural way to express happiness.
Same with small talk… we love it! It’s our way to say “I enjoy talking to you, even when there isn’t much to say at the moment, it’s better to say at least something than completely ignoring you”. But again, I understand that in other cultures people think it’s weird or not sincere. We just hate ignoring people… it doesn’t feel good.
About the drinking… I get it.
One thing I really like about Swedes is that you are VERY honest. That’s very refreshing. I can’t stand hypocrites. I’d appreciate more if a person tells me “I don’t like you” than acting like he does but deep inside thinking “poor girl, she’s so naive”. So I guess I should be happy when my Swedish friend talks to me. By the way, he has taken the initiative before, for example, he has called me a few times and stuff like that. But it’s like 3 out of 10, and it’s always with a “good reason”, not just to say hi.
Well, thanks again for your time =) You guys are the best!

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Björn

February 19th, 2010 at 04:53

@Latina girl

Well I wouldt go as far as saying that we expect the girls to do most of the work. Id say its more like we expect a 50/50 thing if you get what I mean. But if you have to start all the conversation on the chat then you should just ask straight up why he never talks to you unless you talk to him first, be sure to also ask if he doest like you because that would put some preassure on him. It sure would for me atleast lol. And then you will most likely get an honest answer and hopefully he will start more conversations from that point forward. Might just be that he needs some real confirmation.

Sometimes I hear girls talking about how guys are boring for not making the first move. The way I see is that why is the guy boring for not making the first move and the girl is not? if a girl is interessted in the guy she should just make the first move, I guarantee you that a swedish guy sure as hell wont be disapointed in that. And if you are affraid to appear cheap then the best way to avoid that would be to not sleep with him the same night. That will make a very good impression.

Hope this is of any help to you or anyone else.

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Ari

February 20th, 2010 at 19:11

Can’t add anything, but having read through, I just wanted know what happened in MB’s situation with the older swede? MB don’t leave me hanging, I want to find out if it turned out for you!

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Moonlight

March 10th, 2010 at 00:03

hey all, it seems like whatever I google about swedes – this site comes up:) I’m in a complicated situation with a swede atm, we only met once, but chatting on msn ever since that night. He’s adorable, but I dont understand him most of the time… he flirts with me a lot, I know he likes me, but, for example, when saying bye I say I’ll miss him, he just writes “awww, how sweet” instead of saying he’d miss me too… :( I know he’s shy, he’s probably afraid as well, because it turns out that he always ends up dumped by girls and so on… I just dont get it – what do I have to prove to him to get him to open up?… I told him I’d like to meet him again, and it seems “sudden” for him for some reason. I didnt get a full opinion about that, because during that conversation I remembered that I cant fly over (I’m in England, he’s in Sweden, we met in Manchester) because shortly after we met I had a deep venous thrombosis and am not allowed to take any trips for at least a year. I’m on the edge of giving up – maybe its just not meant to be?…

Anyway, Sapphire, whats your blogspot url? I’d like to follow and see if I can come to understanding him more… btw, mine’s moonlightam.blogspot.com

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Björn

March 10th, 2010 at 00:21

@ Moonlight

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as a swedish guy. I would say that if he cant even say something small as a “I will miss you too” then it might not be the “one”. I mean If I would really like a girl and she would say something like that, then it would give me a huge amount of butterflies in my stomach hehe. I wouldt tell the whole world of course, but I would at the very least give the girl a similair answer in return.

And if it of any help, I am pretty shy too =P

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Moonlight

March 10th, 2010 at 15:35

Björn,

thanks for the reply, I thought he might not be completely over his ex, but the more I think about it, he might be just playing with me… :( You’re right, he probably just wants to sleep with me (and he made that as clear as it gets) and I fell for him completely… :( I still dont get him though – why did he bother writing to me in the first place (I was the one to give my email address to him, but didnt ask for his, and he was pretty quick to contact me), he’s the one suggesting a date in Venice, jacuzzi together after sightseeing, and much more after the jacuzzi, but goes completely cold after hearing that I cant travel anywhere due to health. Dont get me wrong, I told him that I would absolutely love that… I should probably move on… Serves me right for being so childish and naive:(

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Anders Elofsson

March 16th, 2010 at 13:36

hello everyone!
I am 33 years old and a man. I am from Sweden. I am ordinary and easy going i guess not like a swedish man should behave. I react on the fact that we swedish men cant show feelings when we are at the pub or restaurang or whatever. I must say i find it very hard to even get eye contact and “i dont kill people with my eyes” so to speak. And another thing the girls i have talked to mostly girls from other countries. Almost everyone says to me: You are cute and handsome and second of all you dont look like 33 more like 23. Compared that to the real world i am screwed. I guess i am strange or act unswedish or impolite i dont know really.

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Sapphire

March 17th, 2010 at 07:44

@Moonlight – I agree with Björn, if the guy can’t even say ‘I miss you’ or even ‘i like hanging out with you’ then he’s some stupid guy. And even if he’s shy, he should have some brains.

@Anders – I’m still not sure how Swedes get together with each other but a change in your style to be a little more unswedish may bode well.

Most importantly, just be confident and happy.

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Max

March 17th, 2010 at 23:39

Hey Sapphire,

I’ve been browsing through your blogs for a couple of days now and I think that most of your posts are hilarious! I’m planning to be in Stockholm for 2/3 weeks in the summer, and I was hoping you could give me some hot spots from you! Some places to hang out at evening, or to relax during the day. I’m having my final exams in May this year, and I’ve talked with four of my friends to make a Eurotrip. But we kinda all agreed on the first meeting that we should skip all the countries and go straight to Stockholm…

We’re really anxious to find out what rumors/stereotypes of Sweden are true, since we’ve heard a lot of good stuff about the country. I hope you can tell me some of the do’s and don’ts for us!!

Best of luck from Holland,

Max

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Max

March 17th, 2010 at 23:44

PS

everybody else, feel free to share your hotspots as well… Didn’t mentioned that in my post above this one ^^

But maybe its an obvious thing, so its a bit pointless to say this haha… Well, wel’ll see..!

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Nick

March 18th, 2010 at 21:17

Hey Sapphire, I hope you are well. I live closeby in Stockholm and could answer some of these questions over a cup of coffee in stockholm. I’m 18 years old and would love to tidscuss these things. I’m abit shy and maybe not as old as you would want. But it would be an interesting experience to meet you, Well you got my mail.

Greetings Nick

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Sapphire

March 20th, 2010 at 14:06

Beautiful ladies and handsome men, please continue posting on the new blog reserved for dating in sweden: http://lostinstockholm.com/2010/03/20/the-a-to-z-guide-on-dating-swedish-men/

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